Overtime? Hell No!

For the first time since my first job (golf caddie, approx. 11 years ago), I have refused to work extra hours at my job (I am NOT working a legal job. If I were, things would be different). Being a caddie sucked, but since then, my eye has been on the prize. Even if it was working an extra hour a week for seven bucks, over the course of a year, it added up to $364. That is some nice bank (course nowadays, it does not cover the bills for a month, but I digress). Working an extra hour here and there was easy for me to rationalize. I was always up for more work. In truth, I do not mind working, after all, at least I am being productive. What else am I going to do with that hour? Watch TV, drink some beer, and rub one out? Sure that is all well and good, but I would rather make some money.

So today, when my boss came and asked me if I could stay late, I refused, without hesitation. Then, my other boss came by and asked me again, and my reply was a terse, "Nah." Thankfully, none of my other six bosses came by to ask, I may have given in, just to get them off my back (I got the damn memo). Granted, refusing to work OT is one of the perks of being hourly, but why did I refuse now, when I never did in the last 10 years? The answer is simple.

Law School.

(Bet you saw that one coming.) I have finally reached a point in my life where I have a modicum of direction, whether or not I want to be a lawyer or not, the needle is still pointed in that direction. Because of this, my future is beginning to take shape. My psychic powers show me forty-five years of 80-90 hour work weeks, partly because I want to succeed, partly because I am perfectionist, and partly because I cannot trust others, and mostly because that is what it takes to make Partner, and once you make Partner, well, that is not the time to start slacking off. Granted, I may not get a job at a prestigious firm, but any lawyer who has clients is on call 24/7. Whether you are a criminal defense attorney showing up on a Saturday for an arraignment, or a divorce attorney being called up because the wife took the dog, or a regular run of the mill attorney being called up at 9 p.m. by a small local business because they have a big order to fill by 8 a.m. the next morning, and their supplier has not yet shipped the boxes (yeah, they call the lawyer last), there really is no freedom from the oppression of the job. Maybe that is why Lady Justice's scales are permanently out of balance.

Is this the life I want? Maybe, probably, and because of this, forget working overtime. In the past, it was really all about the money. Today, it is about the summer of [Lawschoolrules]. The Summer of [Lawschoolrules]!! Fuck if I am going to bust my ass when I have the rest of my life for that shit.

Or maybe it was because Game Five of the Stanley Cup final was tonight. The damn Oilers won in Overtime.

Drunken Fun

I went down to the southside tonight to take in a Sox game. They put up a good fight, down by eight heading into the bottom of the Ninth, and proceeded to score six runs. Not quite enough, but still exciting. They almost came back.

However, the fun really started after I got back to mny Best Friends house, who took me to the game. He is just getting out of a long term relationship, and is looking for something different, so he posted a profile on Match.com. anyway, I was at his place, and he got an e-mail from some girl on the site. While he was making himself some ribs, I decided to to compose a reply to the e-mail that was sent. He decided not to use it, but laughed several times while he read it, so I will now share it with you.

Hey, thanks for the response. Do not worry about the smoking though, as my philosophy in life is smoke them if you got them. However, I do understand that your career choice might frown upon smoking. After all, the last time that I went to get a massage, I dropped fifty bucks for the happy ending and it was totally ruined by her skanky breath. But hell, at least she swallowed. Hopefully you will do the same.

I love going to concerts. Two years ago, I had my own PR by going to 34 shows. It was ubeleivable. I cannot hear shit anymore, which will be nice since I will not have to hear you bable on about some stupid ass shit, but concerts are still loud enough that I can still hear the bass line! So as long as you are not looking to go see Yo Yo Ma, I think we could have a good time. As luck would have it, I have an extra ticket to Warped Tour on July 30th. Maybe you could come with us. It would be a rocking good time. I dont drink, so I can keep my asshole friends' hands off of you. However, after Zebrahead takes the stage, we will all probably be so ramped up that we will gang bang you in the Port-A-Potty.

And as for my tatoos, they defy description. I actually had my pubes removed by means of a laser, and I have a very nice message tatooed above my woman pleaser. Of course, I would be happy to show this to you, and my other 11 tatoos, but only after you show me your strategically placed tatoo, and are down on your knees. If you are a more conservative girl, and do not want to jump right in, I would be happy to show you my perice nipples, so long as I get to play with your nipples for five minutes first.

Thanks for sending me an e-mail. I hope to hear from you soon.

Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom--

[My Buddy's Name]

54th Post Extravaganza!!! Part Deux

a.k.a. The 55th Post Espectacular!!!

After ranting for several paragraphs about not knowing a thing about women, I concluded with this.

The inspiration for this post happened a few days ago. A girl came to class wearing a white t-shirt. Just a regular normal t-shirt. Unfortunately it was not a V-Neck, but it was a plain old white t-shirt. I have never seen anything hotter in my life. I was half-stocked the entire class. I do not know what it was, maybe it was the fact that she is stacked and the shirt was a little tight and the classroom was a little cold, but I do not think that any of those factors are conclusive. She was not particularly made up that day, I think her hair was in a ponytail, and she might have been wearing flip-flops, but the plain white shirt made my head spin. She may have noticed the drool coming out of my mouth, as in the class we had an hour later she was wearing a sweatshirt, but it could have been because it was a little chilly in the classrooms.

Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. But, I think that may have been what did it for me. She was wearing a T-shirt that probably belonged to a guy. Personally, I cannot think of anything hotter than a girl wearing one of my shirts and nothing else.


I was going to write a list of reasons why law school is like second grade, but I only got through one before I passed out. I should have come back to this, but never did.

Lack of Self-Monitoring--In Second Grade you felt the complete freedom to ask whatever you wanted to, whenever you wanted to. Say you were learning subtraction (2-1=?) and someone would raise his hand and ask, "Teacher, why is the grass green?" Sometimes it seems like that in class. Second-graders can blame short attention spans though.


And Finally, sometimes I write strange things in my notes, so I figured that while I was making outlines, I would post all the funny things in my notes. Turns out most of them are not funny. Regardless, after finishing my second exam, I started freaking out (actually, I just got lazy), so I did not record things from all my notes, but here are the best ones I got.

• What the hell is someone doing with $19,000 worth of jewelry at a Wal-Mart in the Ghetto?
• If tavern owners are supposed to stop serving drunks, why have I been escorted out of bars by cops?
• Do not assume that the most apparent meaning is the correct meaning. Stay Loose (slut).
• 48% of statistics are made up, including this one.
• Three Kinds of Lies in this society: Lies, Damnable Lies, and Statistics.
• To permit the railroad to choose something. Whoops, too much Free Cell.
• It is very nice and concise and has cherries on top.
• Biggest Lies—Checks in the Mail, and the Second on is—“I am from the government and I am here to help you"
• To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
• The court leads off with the negative implication rule. And it starts by saying, That class is over!
• Some dude invented the case method of legal education. Asshole.
• Judge Traynor is a hippie. But a smart hippie.
• Whoa, I have tuned out the last ten minutes or so
• If the facts favor your client hammer on the facts, if the law favors your client hammer on the law. If neither favors your client, hammer on the opposing counsel.
• I don’t know what the hell he said. Stop playing solitaire.
• What the hell what is the point of this? I should have stayed at home and taken a nap.

54th Post Extravaganza!!!

a.k.a. The Shit I Did Not Finish.

Over the course of the time since I started writing my blog, I have written several things that I either never finished, or thought sucked.

So here is the best of the crap that did not make the cut.

Fake Conversation

Sometimes I imagine conversations that could have been, in my head.

Today, I brought the wrong book to one of my classes, and though I still brief my cases, I envisoned this as the conversation that would have ensued had the Prof. called on me:

Prof: So, [Lawschoolrules], how about Long?
Me: I brought the wrong book, but I will give it a shot.
Prof: (incredously) You brought the wrong book?
Me: Yeah, it looks just like the Torts book. Sometimes I am a dumbass.
Prof: Well you got in here didn't you?
Me: We will just have to see if I am here next year.
Prof: I heard you were getting some award though?
Me: They are always trying to give me something. It's a conspiracy to get me to socialize.


This is a portion of an AIM conversation I had with an ex-co-worker several months ago

XCW: what the hell do you have going for you?

me: in two and half years i will be making $100,000

me: that’s about it

XCW: 100,000....and what are you going to spend all that money on?

me: calf implants

[Do not give me the third degree about making $100,000 a year. I know the odds. With my luck, I probably will not even be able to catch a job as a public defender.]

This one is a bit dated, but I am sure you have seen the commercial

If you are like me and watch Oprah religiously, I am sure that you have seen the commercial for Yoplait Light that includes the song Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. There are two reasons that I love this song. One is that because every time I hear it, I think of a hot girl wearing a bikini that barely covers her. Ahhh....behold the power of imagination. The second is that this is one of the few songs that I can play on the piano. I would need the sheet music since I haven't played the piano in quite a few years, but I am sure that today, I could play it well enough that you could recognize it.

However, there are some serious problems with the commercial. It is all a problem of semantics. When someone says, "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" what do you think of? Build the mental picture in your mind. I have got the time, if you have got the wine.

I always pictured some primary color bikini with polka dots. The polka dots are Yellow. The "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" is a bikini of some color that is covered with yellow polka dots. However, the commercial has the bikini as being solid yellow, with red polka dots. If anyone read this blog and I knew how to put in a poll, I would like to know what everyone pictured when they hear "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini."

All I know for sure is that I am now boycotting Yoplait Light until they make the polka dots yellow.

That is enough for now. Part 2 Coming tomorrow.

Random Thoughts & Questions

• I passed all my classes, so it looks like I will be around for another couple of years.
• Remember when MTV2 came out, and it was billed as a channel that only played music videos?
• Jimmy Kimmel was funnier on The Man Show.
• How come a Pitcher has to leave the mound to lick his hand, but can stay on the mound to blow on his hand or run his hands through his hair?
• Why does a pitcher lick his hand?
• When Einstein interviewed someone for a job, he would serve them soup, and if the candidate salted the soup before tasting it, there was no way he would get the job.
• Polish Beer is pretty good, but until I get a job, I am going to stick with the cheap domestic stuff.
• On that note, I read an article in BusinessWeek about how Miller is positioning its array of beers in different markets. For instance, IceHouse is the beer they want guys to drink before they head out for the night. Are people that easily manipulated, that they see a commercial for IceHouse with a bunch of dudes playing Playstation and they think, "That could be me!" If there isn't a hot chick in the beer commercial, it is not the beer for me.
• SI had an article where Carson Palmer was quoted as hating the Steelers. The Talking Heads blew it out of proportion. He does not hate the people that are Steelers, just the Steeler team.
• I will never understand how people can spend a couple hours at a time on Myspace.
• I overhead my neighbor talking with his wife on Memorial Day. He said, "Memorial Day is for drinking. You start drinking, and then you throw up so you can drink some more." He is a Cop.
• In college, there was a party at my house, and there was this really annoying kid there who I had never met. But, his girlfriend was hot, and was flirting with everyone there. Therefore, some guys at the party started giving him shit. He got very drunk and upset, and started acting crazy. I was also very drunk, and tried to do what Superman would do, so I intervened and took him outside and tried to calm him down. After ten minutes, I thought I was making progress, then his girl came out, followed by a nice stream of guys. Things quickly snowballed out of control. Somehow, me and the annoying kid ended up on the next block, me still trying to calm him down, when he said, "If she ever leaves me, I will kill myself." I said, "What" and he repeated himself, much more adamant this time. Thinking that there was a good chance she would leave him, I did the only thing my drunken mind thought was a good idea, I popped him one, right in the face. I am not proud of this.
• He and she left soon after, but he came back the next day to apologize for acting like an ass, and he had a nice shiner around his left eye. Right before he left, as I was sitting there watching TV, he asked, "Who hit me?" I raised my hand. He left.
  
• I need to stop posting when I am drunk.
• I am not drunk right now.
• Computers should come with a breathalyzer.
• So should cell phones.
• Memory is weird thing. I was watching Seinfeld the other day and there was a reference to Kessler, which I got, because I watched some documentary about Seinfeld years ago. However, I cannot remember the name of my first grade teacher.
• The Hurricanes will beat the Sabres tonight 3-2. It might go into overtime, so you should watch it. It starts at 7:30 Eastern, and is on OLN. If you do not get OLN, and have fast internet, go to http://www.comcast.net. They stream the games. Hell, go to that link right now and watch some condensed games (60 Minutes of action in 20 minutes, when it usually takes 2 and half hours! You cannot lose!).
• I can throw better with my left arm than Jacques Jones can throw with his dominant arm (I am right-handed, and no ambidextria here).
• My site hasn't shown up on Alexa yet. It probably never will. Thankfully, that was never a goal.
• I want to play some tennis, but I do not have any balls.
• Cigarettes don't cause cancer. People smoking cigarettes causes cancer.
• I worked at a Dairy Queen throughout high school (2.5 years), and I have not eaten anything from there since I quit.
• I counted it up the other day. I am in my 20's and I have worked 12 different jobs. That seems like a lot, at least to me (and I am probably forgetting a couple, the memory remember) (the shortest tenure at any one job was three weeks, but that was only one of them, all the rest were at least four months) (and I have never been fired).
  
• I did not have my first drink until my freshman year of college. It was a Woodchuck Apple Cider or some shit like that. A sophomore with a fake recommended it to me as a good choice for a first drink. It sucked.
• The first time I got drunk was also freshman year. Vodka and OJ in my friends' dorm room. It was the greatest thing I had ever had in my life. Unfortunately, most of it ended up on the bathroom floor.
• Pat Foley IS the best play-by-play guy in sports. The Blackhawks have completely discredited themselves by letting him go. I remember, on Opening Day this season, I streamed the 'Hawks broadcast and listened to the whole game (F-ed homework for that night). By the middle of the season, he sounded deflated, once again let down by the organ-I-zation he has supported for 25 years. That is right, he has announced 'Hawk games for 25 years. He did the simulcast (for those that do not know, the 'Hawks only show away games on TV, so his play-by-play could be heard on the TV and the radio). And they just let him go. "Thanks, here is the door. Do not let it hit you on the way out." I have never completely abandoned one of my favorite sports franchises before, but this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. To say I am infuriated by this development is an understatement. Back in 1997, Bill Simmons, ESPN's The Sports Guy abandoned his beloved Bruins (and hockey altogether) because of the horrible mis-management of the franchise (when the Bruins traded Joe Thornton this year, he did not even write about it [I think the abandonment was in 1997, that seems long ago, but a quick ESPN search did not find the column I wanted, I will edit if/when I find out for sure]). But, it may have come to this. In a couple weeks, I may not be a diehard Hawks fan anymore. I will never give up Hockey, but I may jump franchises. However, that may not be necessary. In Shoeless Joe (the book that Field of Dreams is based on) Ray Kinsella proclaims that he has no favorite franchise or player, he is just a fanatic of the game (baseball in that case). That is pretty much what I have been for the last 8 years, while the 'Hawks have sucked. Maybe I should just love the game, root for the sport, and enjoy the essence of hockey. But, if I do that, will I lose the passion I have for the game?
  

Well that is an hour in my brain. Hope you enjoyed it.

Fans?

As you may have noticed, at the top of the page it says that the site is updated every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I did not update the page any of those days this week, and no one said a thing. I like to think that this is because my readers are intelligent, caring, and uber-sexy. In fact, I did not update my site for those three days to prove a point. Basically, my readers rule (and maybe that I do not have many readers). Yeah, so no one bitched, maybe secretly I wanted someone to bitch, but that is really not the point.

I have been a casual fan of http://www.outpostnine.com for a while now. The best part of the site was the author's stories about being an American teaching English in Japan. Many of the stories are quite funny. The author recently decided to move this portion of his site onto the Festering Ass, for whatever reason, maybe to make more money, get more exposure, whatever, the decision was his. In anticipation of his new readership, the author will be posting his archive (a couple years worth), and then begin posting new stuff.

His site was moved to http://GaijinSmash.com. He posted an announcement on Outpost Nine that he was moving to a new location, and threw up his first archived story. What resulted was sheer chaos. His first entry appears here, but what really caught my eye were the venomous comments from his "fans."

These are people who have enjoyed his site for a couple of years, for free mind you, and they have the gall to bitch about him trying to do something different, expand his site, maybe make a career out of this. Outpost Nine has a couple of Google ads and a store, where you can by shirts and such, but I doubt he was making a mint off of this stuff.

I guess my real question is: Where does this sense of entitlement come from his fans? When my favorite author writes a book that I do not like, I do not get my undies in a bunch and send off angry letters to him and the publisher. If my favorite band makes an album that I do not like, I do not disown them and avow to never listen to any of their albums again. I just do not understand why his faithful readership would give him the tenth degree for changing things. After all, he is only posting his archives, there will be new stuff in a couple of months.

I have been thinking about this since Thursday (I was actually going to post it on Thursday, but then I came up with that brilliant intro), and I still cannot wrap my little brain around this. If you have the time, check out the comments on this link about the first post, and if you can explain it me, please do.

I Have No Affiliations, I Am Still InSold (is that the opposite of selling out?)

Just for your reference, I am not affiliated with this book. I have never read this book, and I never even heard of this book until I Googled the name of my blog. I do not know the author, I have never met the author, and I have never ever, ever read a book about law school.

That being said, I need to do some research. The name of the book and my blog are pretty similar. However, Copyright protects independent creation. On the other hand, can a title of a book be trademarked? Additionally, there are special rules for registering a domain name that is designed to profit off of the trademark of another. But I did not do it bad faith. Conversely, Trademark is designed to identify a source. "Law School Rules" is certainly a descriptive mark, so there has to be secondary meaning. But aren't there special rules for titles? There are, but that is for nominative use or parody (think Barbie and Aqua.) And this discussion pretty much brings us back around to Copyright. I think I am safe, unless I copy one of the author's rules. However, if I can use this post as proof that I never read his book, maybe I will be safe.

O.K. You cannot trademark a bookname, unless it has obtained a secondary meaning [I wrote the above before taking my IP final, and I am writing this paragraph (and the last sentence), and the ones that follow nearly a month later]. I mean, we have seen all the DaVinci Code shit that has come out. I saw a list somewhere, don't remember where though, there were diet books and history books, all incorporating "Da Vinci Code" in their titles. [I saw it in the Trib.]

I decided to post this now because I just found out that Anonymous Lawyer is/was only a law student. He got a book deal. Good for him, he lied and misrepresented himself, and got a book deal out of it. Almost like a real lawyer (actually his cover was blown in 2004, I just did not realize it, probably because I was not in Law School then). But, good for him, bloggers are notorious for having their books bomb at the "box office" (what else do you call it? I suppose i should have left off the last three words of that clause, but what fun would that be? If I cannot pose rhetorical questions, then what am I doing here? There are exceptions of course, when Maddox's Book comes out in a couple weeks, it will debut at #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List, of course that was 10 years of hardwork, and not a flash in the pan). I am sure his will do very well, after all, I will check it out of my local library, if they bother to pick it up.

Why all this ranting on books? I do not know, probably because I could never write one. But really, it is because most bloggers are not really writers. It is one thing to hold someone's attention for five minutes and a completely different thing to hold a persons attention for 8 hours. It takes more than a good plot-line. It takes a great understanding of prose and language. I wish I could do it, I really do, but I do not think that I am very good at holding my reader's attention for very long.

Goalie Fights

Who needs content, when you can post Goalie Fights!!!

Round 1: Roy v. Vernon:



Round 2: Roy v. Osgood (also a RedWing):



Seriously, watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Especially if you are a Nielson Family. The ratings are abysmal. I cannot guarantee any Goalie Fights, but there is always a chance, and the Sabres are playing the Hurricanes tomorrow night (Wed.), two teams built for the faster NHL.

Come on, just watch. Tonight, there were 8 goals scored in the third period of the Oilers/Ducks game (Oilers, the Eight Seed is up 3-0). So watch some hockey, we all know that Dallas is playing Miami in the NBA Finals, so watch hockey.

Please.

NHL and MLB

I am watching Sportscenter. John Buccigross is on the set. He used to host NHL2Nite. The lead story is Barry Bonds. Fuck Bonds. Bucci is a hockey guy. The second story is Barbaro. That is fine, I think that is more important than Bonds. The third story is Mets/Yankees. This pisses me off. Sure it is the East Coast, but something more important happened in Chi-Town today. Cubs Catchers Michael Barrett punched Sox (not Sawx) Catcher AJ Pierzynski in the the chops. Bucci did this highlight too. What did he say about it?

"He goes Tie Domi on his Ulf Samuelsson."

That is why Bucci is my second favorite columnist on ESPN.com. I love that, he is surely pissed that he had to lead with Bonds, then stick with baseball, for the first half-hour before he could get to the Stanley Cup playoffs, yet he was able to throw in a random Hockey reference that only diehards will get.

Thanks Bucci. You the Man. (And Ken the Otter is the Otter.)

[I just listened to Tim Kurkijan go on and on about Bonds. It is amazing what Steroids will do for you. I hate the guy. Bonds that is, it is amazing to see him grow.]

Pilgrimage to My Mecca

As I have done at least once a year since I was in college, last Thursday I made my annual pilgrimage to mecca. That is mecca with a small "m," since it is being used as a metaphor. My top two choices for mecca have been pretty much ruled through impossibility or impracticality. My first choice for mecca would be the Old Chicago Stadium, where the horn after a goal could deafen you, it was the loudest arena in the NHL, and of course, the cheering throughout the entire Star-Spangled Banner as Wayne Messmer belted it out completely undeterred. But, they tore it down, built the shitty United Center, and the Hawks have sucked even worse since then. The second choice for mecca is Lambeau Field. I have been a Packers fan since the Randy Wright days, which was long before the Favre years, and even though they have sucked the last few years, the Packers do not suck nearly as bad as the Blackhawks have the last few decades. The Hawks will always be my first love, but the Packers have been my mistress for the last 10 years. Needless to say, the Packers only have 8 home games a year, and they all sell out, the waiting list for season tickets is 95 years, and I lack the money to buy from a scalper. Therefore, my only trips to Lambeau have been during the offseason, and therefore, it cannot qualify as my mecca.

However, like every good American boy, I grew up with Baseball. It was only later that the ADD caused me to move away from baseball and into other sports. But seeing how hockey and football failed me, I am left to resort back to baseball. That is not such a bad thing. Even though the draft sucks, the regular season is three weeks to long, there are not enough teams in the playoffs, and Mark Buehrle and Mark Mulder are the only guys who know how to keep a game moving, and getting a 30% is considered good, baseball is still the only way to fill the long summer months (as it was once predominate, other sports scheduled their seasons around it, and it has stayed that way). Given my penchant for crappy teams, there is only one baseball team that I could possibly like. Yep, I am a Cubs fan.

I try to make my way to Wrigley every year. The last couple of years, before I was in Law School, I had a job and could therefore get pretty good tickets (even though it cost a day of work. Think about it, several internet windows (or tabs, as I use Firefox), sitting in the virtual waiting room, waiting for my number to get called, so I can finally buy tickets). Before I get to this years trip, we should all take a trip down memory lane, all the way to last year.

I was able to procure some pretty good tickets by ignoring my work for the first four hours of the day. So, on a beautiful July day, we headed down to Wrigley, my mecca. The sight of it always gives me chills, like a goose running over my grave or sticking a fork into a toaster (my dad did this once, when he was a kid, its a great story, with him ending up on the other side of the room). It sits there comfortably, on the corner of Clark and Addison (just a block from the Metro) like a shrine. It is almost the way that Muslims see their temple when they head into Saudi Arabia and see the Kaaba. Maybe not the exact same feeling, but it is close. I love seeing it. Even in winter, when Wrigley lies in slumber, you still know its importance. Tinkers, Evers and Chance played here.

Anyway, we went up to Wrigley last year, in the quite expensive seats that I bought. Greg Maddux, Mad Dog, was pitching that particular day. And he decided not to pitch that well. He gave up an ungodly number of runs through the first couple of innings. The game was over, so I did the only thing I could. I flagged down the beer man, and began imbibing Old Style. Apparently, it can get you drunk. In a way, I think this was Maddux's way at getting back at me. Back in 2003 when the Cubs made the playoffs, I bought a ticket for a playoff game (at a hefty price) to watch Mark Prior go head to head with Maddux. I booo-ed Maddux like it was my job, him being a Brave at the time. But the boos were more hearty than him just being on the opposing team, he was an ex-Cub, returned to Wrigley, and not just an ex-Cub, but an ex-Cub who became one of the greatest pitchers of all-time. Granted, I know the stories, GM (at the time Maddux left) Larry Hughes basically told Maddux to fuck himself. But still, Fans do not care about money and politics and such things, we just care about the guys who are helping us win (like San Fran fans with Bonds, though he cannot even sell out a game).

So, I gave Maddux the third degree (along with 50,000 of my best friends) and he must have known that I was back in the stadium, got nervous, and crapped the bed, giving up 6 runs in two innings, forcing me to careless about the game, and more about finding the next vendor. I am not sure what else happened that night, if we went to a bar, or whatever, but the bottom line is, I forgive Maddux, and I think he forgave me.

So anyway, back to Thursday, May 18, 2006. Kerry Wood was making his comeback from injury. I cheered him when he ran out onto the field. After all, it was good to have him back, since we (the Cubs) are paying him $10 mil. this year. He proceeded to have a great first inning, struck out two, got through on about 12 pitches. I clapped, but the idiots in the stands decided to do more than clap. My 40,000 friends gave him a standing ovation after the first inning. My thoughts were "What the fuck, its been one inning, yeah I am glad he is back, that is why I cheered when he took the bump, but I am not going to go nuts after one inning." Wood proceeded to give up three home runs over the next two innings. I felt justified, but in a hollow way. After all, I would have much rather seen Woody throw a no-hitter.

The game carried on, the Cubs sucked as usual, but it was not out of hand, so I did not drink myself into a state where I was unable to realize what was going on. Because, as it turned out, the defining play came in the bottom of the ninth. The Cubs had two men on base, with two outs, and they were down by two. There was a runner on first and on third, so with two out, we needed a couple of base hits to tie the game, or a home-run to win it. Neifi Perez was up, and he pretty much sucks (I told my buddy, "I have no idea what Dusty Baker's infatuation with this guy is, he keeps playing him. He must have nude photos of Baker with Don Baylor and Jim Riggleman). So what happened, Perez bunted, with two outs. How fucking stupid is that? Rest assured, in my slightly drunken state, I called Baker a few names, realizing that bunting, even if Perez did get on base, was about the worst idea in the history of man. The Japanese sending balloons over the Pacific in World War II, which had incendiary bombs attached was a better idea. And that was a pretty fucking stupid idea. This time, I Booo-ed as hard as I could. I never knew people could be that stupid.

So the game was over, and I was feeling hollow, as were my 40,000 friends. Of course, I blamed them for giving Woody a standing O after the first inning. But in the end, it probably did not make a difference.

As with most of my posts, there is not real point to this one. I am just recounting my experiences. After the ball game, my buddy and I went to Denny's, then bowling, where I bowled like crap.

Needless to say, the Cubs suck this year. Baseball season is over.

[Side Note: If you missed the Hurricanes/Sabres game today. I feel bad for you. This is going to be a great series. If you have OLN, at least check out one period. This is hockey like it was back in the 80's and Gretzky's heyday.]

[Side Note #2: The Cubs/White Sox brawl today was classic. Check out Sportscenter, you will not be disappointed.]

[Edit: This is what happens when I skip a day, you get a gargantuan post.]

My Eyes Burn

I just finished reading a book entitled Outwitting Squirrels by Bill Adler. The first chapter is hilarious, no matter who you are. However, this is really a book written for bird watchers. Not really bird watchers though, more like those who put bird feeders in their yard, yet become extremely exasperated at the cunningness of the squirrels who figure out how to steal the seed meant for the birds from the feeder. It is a pretty funny book, though sometimes it comes in bursts, and if know nothing about birds, squirrels, or bird-feeders, this is not the place to start. For instance, in reading this book I learned that after a male squirrel mates with a female, he shoots out a waxy plug to keep his semen in, and other males' semen out. Good stuff, if you have a bird-feeder. But, I do not want this to be a book review blog.

So, I have a timely complaint with this book. Chapter 8 details 101 different stratagems for keeping squirrels out of the bird-feeder. Most of these are designed to be funny such as #2 Dig a moat around your feeder. Fill it with piranha; #33 Enclose your yard with a 20-foot tall Plexiglas fence; #40 Hang your feeder 100 feet down from a 200 foot tall tree; and my favorite, #94 Hire a lawyer.

However, when I hit #62 . . . let's just say that if I had a gun, I would have shot the book. The first few words from #62 are, "Make use of patent 4,712,512 . . . . Here's the patent as described: A method and apparatus components for converting a plastic . . ."

I gave up at that point. Fuck that, I am done with patents. I just finished Intellectual Property (post the grades already Prof.), and I sure as shit do not want to read about claims again, ever, unless someone is paying me to do it (becuase a) I am taking Copyright next semester (IP was a survey class) and b) I do not have the background to take the patent bar). If there is anymore convoluted syntax (outside of a Kafka novel) than a patent claim, please let me know. However, Mr. Adler chose not to limit this to just #62, as stratagems #62-#76 all started with a patent number. I skipped five pages of the book, and I do not feel guilty about it all.

And yes, skipping pages of a book, much like skipping to the end to read the last two pages, is a cardinal sin in my book. (By the way, the book I just read describes cardinals as aloof and ground-feeders.)

The Goal

I do not care how much money I make this summer. I do not care how much volunteering I do this summer. I do not care if I grow as a person this summer. My single-minded goal is to read 40 books. I started off pretty well, cranking out two books on my first four days of break. Of course, considering that they were Cell by Stephen King and The Broker by John Grisham, its not like I was exerting myself at all. I have recently (ok the last two days) have had trouble picking up a book and getting through it. It is not that I do not have some great books to read, I am currently in the middle of Battle Royale by Koushun Takamai and The Last Mafioso by Ovid Demaris, but motivation is lacking.

Of course, I do not think that it is so much a lack of motivation, but rather, a couple days ago I decided to watch Band of Brothers (that book is on the list for the summer) yet again. That is one of those things that if I start to watch it, I cannot stop until I get through each episode. As such, that is over 10 hours of solid reading time, wasted away, though not hardly wasted. I swear I could watch the scene where Speirs takes over command of Easy over and over. "The amazing thing, was that he came back." If you have seen it, you just got chills. Most impressive thing I have ever seen in a movie, and of course, in this case, it actually happened (I will not say what exactly happened, so if you haven't seen Band of Brothers, go rent it).

So anyway, back to the task at hand. 40 Books in 3 months. I think it is doable. Hell, motivated prisoners read a book a day. I cannot let a white collar criminal best me, after all, they were stupid enough to get caught. So if anyone has any recommendations, please leave a comment. I am open to reading anything about anything. Thanks.

[Unrealted note, I just saw a commercial for a Pure Protein Bar, or something, but the chick in that commercial is hot. Just thought I would share that with everyone.]

Bowling For Dummies

After a long strange evening, one thing sticks out. The Bowling Alley. Do not get me wrong, I am a big fan of bowling. I love throwing a 15 pound ball down a narrow causeway, where you have to hit it just right for the glory to explode. I will not lie about my bowling prowess; I played six games tonight and each was over 100, but not by much. So when we began the countdown of three things I notice about the bowling alley, I am not #1:

#1: The Loner:
The loner is the guy who goes to the bowling alley by himself, but he waits for the adulation of his peers when he bowls the rare 300 hundred (or close) game. Yeah, you have all seen him, he bowls ten games in three hours, and puts a ridiculous spin on the ball. However, some of these guys are merely perfecting their spin, while some of them are aspiring to be The Loner. The Loner is a damn good bowler. He is the guy that rolls his eyes when those on the lanes next to him do not respect his space and bowl before him. He never gets pissed, because he knows the game, but he still thinks his shit does not stink. Just for the record, The Loner is better than you at bowling, but you can school him in every other aspect of life.

#2: The Teenager:
This one needs no explanation, so I will be brief. The bowling alley does not give a fuck who comes into bowl so long as they pay. This is the perfect atmosphere to the high schoolers who want to smoke without big brother intervention, the place to go is the bowling alley. And afterwards, when their folks say, "Why do you smell like smoke" they can reply with "I went bowling tonight, you know how those places are." It is the cheap alternative to concerts for smoking cigarettes for the under 18 crowd.

#3: The Dreamer:
First, this is me. Let me explain. I blame the bowling alleys. Back in the 80's, they realized that people did not like rolling goose-eggs, and the best way to counter this was to "treat" the lanes so that they would allow normal people to get more strikes. The answer to this, was more wax. The lanes are so waxed down now, that if Bea Arthur was blind, she could still bowl a 300. There is no challenge left in bowling. There is no need to learn how to spin the ball because if you can throw it straight, you can get a strike every now and then. If you think you are hot shit because you can throw a strike on these overwaxed lanes, then you are a dreamer, because the guys on ESPN are playing on a completely different surface. They play on a lane where each board has a unique roll to it, and it actually matters where you drop it and what the spin is. It is like golf, the course looks easy enough, but if you pull your top hand forward slightly, then you are in the rough, and lucky if you get a bogey.

So what is the moral of the story? You suck at bowling. Everyone sucks at bowling. The only way you will ever be good is if you live in a redneck town, with the only bowling alley in a 200 mile radius, and they cannot afford exorbitant rates for wax. If you live in one of those towns, I will see you on the PBA.

DONE!

I just finished my last final (95 Multiple Guess, three hour exam, finished in 130 min., though the last 30 was checking my answers, and I even changed a couple right answers to the wrong one, probably). Assuming I passed all my exams, I am no longer a 1L. My soul is one third gone. I am never getting it back. This is so exciting. Or at least it would be if I could think. My brain has been through a blender. Its been pureed, on low, resulting in a nice mush. On the plus side, It will go well with some ice, tequila, and margarita mix.

Now, I do not know what to do. Well, I am going to get drunk of course, but after that, what am I supposed to do? I have no job, no prospects, no motivation, no money, no gas, no fucking clue. In a way, its nice. I cannot remember the last summer where I had no responsibilities. Actually, I do, summer after junior high. It was all baseball and jacks. The next year, I entered the workforce, and soon came to the realization that having money was awesome. Now that an endless stream of money is (hopefully) a couple years away, it is not so important.

Maybe I should volunteer at an animal shelter? Of course, that would fuck up my head due to the allergies.
Maybe I should volunteer for the state governor campaign? No, then I would have to pick a side, and I really do not want to weigh the issues and then extoll the virtues of a guy who I only agree with 51% of the things he stands for.
Maybe I should volunteer at a soup kitchen? No, I do not like homeless people, they smell.

Maybe I should suck it, do something to better myself, the world, and maybe learn a thing or two in the process. Yup, that is what I am going to do.

On a completely unrelated note, I think I going to see United 93 this weekend. All the reviews I have read have been sterling, and it has an Oscar worthy Rotten Tomatoes rating. Some may say it is too soon, and it could be for some, but from what I have read, the story is told in the non-traditional Hollywood method. [Read, no tacked on love story, no fabricated back stories.] It is told based on what they knew, and when they knew it. So I think I am going to drop ten bucks on this (unfortunately, the production company was only donating 10% of the net to charity for opening weekend, but that will not preclude me from donating to some cause on my own (see already bettering myself)).

In actuality, if I go see this movie, it will be a monumental occasion. Why you ask? It has nothing to do with 9/11 or anything along those lines. No, it will be the first time that I have been to a movie theater since the opening night of the first Lord Of The Rings. I did not go because I am some huge Tolkien fan, rather my friend invited me, and bought me a ticket. I couldn't lose. However, at that time I realized I hated everything about seeing a movie in a theater, other than the large screen. The large screen could not overcome the failings though. The annoying people in the theater, $10 for a ticket, $4 for a pack of M&M's, sticky floors, the unbelievably loud speakers, and the worst part, movies these days suck.

These are all part of personal idiosyncrasies, and as such, I have refused to see a movie for 4.5 years, but as part of bettering myself, it is time to get over it, at least for one night.

So that is it. If you have read this far, you may be thinking, why the hell is this post so unbelievably long (then you haven't read some of my other posts), and centered around two topics? Tomorrow morning I am going to shut off my computer, and not turn it on again for another week. No e-mail, not flash games, not even porn. I need a break. My forearms are killing me, my eyes are getting strained (I will never wear glasses, so I have to be careful not to wear them out), but really, I just need a break. I have probably typed a million words in the last two weeks.

But fear not, I will be back in a week. I will have nothing law school related to talk about (for the most part), but there are plenty of interesting things for me to add my one cent to. If you have any ideas, feel free to e-mail me (the link is on the right), but be patient, I am taking a week off.

Thanks to everyone who has read my ramblings over the last two months or last week, the best is yet to come.

Studying

In Undergrad, I had one golden rule for studying for finals. Never start studying more than 12 hours before the exam. I followed this rule religiously. As such, I was usually up for at least 24 hours before the exam started. Hey, at that time in my life it was easier to stay up for 30 hours than force myself out of bed out 8.

My Undergrad self would look on Law School me with pity. Not only do I go to every class, but I actually read the book, take notes on the material I read, and take notes in class. To this day I still do not know why I ever bothered buying a book in Undergrad, as I never read them. Things have substantially changed since then. I am convinced that if I put a quarter as much effort into Undergrad than I did in Law School, I would be making $80,000 grand a year, and never have even considered going to Law School. It is amazing what a 4.0 could do.

Oh course, if I studied all the time in Undergrad, I would not have been able to get drunk every night or referee intramural hockey games.

But back to the main point. It is 11:30, and I have an exam tomorrow at 1:30, and I have not studied at all. OK, I got halfway through my outline before Playoff Hockey, the NFL Draft, FOX Sunday Night, and Adult Swim, and Beer distracted me. I have a two liter of Coke sitting in my fridge, and I am seriously contemplating staying awake through the night until my exam tomorrow. Unfortunately, I am uber-tired.

Thankfully, I scheduled my easiest exam for tomorrow. Legislation. My class did not follow the normal Legislation class syllabus, and as such, all I really need to know is 15 canons of construction and the difference between Textualism and Purposivism. It is almost as if I do not need to study at all.

So my conclusion is this. This exam will be easier than an Undergrad exam, so I am going to adopt a more relaxed study for this than I practiced in Undergrad.

Yeah, Fuck It.