Have you ever had everything you ever believed in taken away from you in mere moments? Had your whole world, your entire structure of faith, demolished like the Kingdome?
If you have seen Firefly (yes I am obsessed), after the first five minutes of the [real] pilot, you see Mal's entire world come crashing down. And if you have seen Serenity (the movie based on that failed TV Show)* you remember the last five minutes of the movie, where the villain has everything he ever believed in torn asunder:
Mal: If I ever see you again, I'll kill you
Villain: You won't. There is nothing left to see.**
Like them, I have been rocked to my core. Yes indeed, everything has changed. Those morning exams, which I dreaded, and force me into 3-4 hours a sleep before each one, garnered me the best cumulative semester's worth of grades I have gotten, ever (and it is not like I just had more time to study, I had five exams, just like first year). I am not trying to be arrogant, ok maybe a little, but this is striking as completely strange.
But after reflecting on this for a while, I have come up with a few reasons how this occurred:
- I had one class that was absolutely worthless. Really, it was worthless. I am not a better nor worse person for having taken it and my knowledge based did not even increase negligibly. I described this class as such to several people, and had this class described as such by several people. In fact, for the first time in my life, I actually spent time on the class evaluation describing everything that was wrong with it and how to improve it. The fifteen minutes I spent on that were more valuable than the 20+ hours spent in class. Hopefully this helps the future students. But anyway, no one cared about this class. Either did I, but I still studied for it (albeit half-heartedly) as if it was my favorite class ever. That was probably my worst performance on an exam ever, but I did pretty well because apparently no one else cared either. God bless the apathetic law student.***
- Paranoia. The sheer fear of morning exams prompted me study smrt-ly. Usually my study time is spent surfing for porn, playing stupid online games, reading boring websites I would never otherwise read (like mine!), watching TV, and studying. Granted, not in that order or a proportion that would dictate that order (though my porn viewing does increase quite a bit during finals time). However, during this exam weeks I pretty much cut out the stupid games, the TV, and general internet surfing. This created at least two extra hours a day to study, during which time I actually studied. So the fear of morning exams, added to my usual fear of failure and overall insecurities about my abilities played a big role in my achievement of greatness.
- The fact that everyone else was a second semester 2L or 3L. The second semester 2Ls have been through the rigors, and everyone pretty much knows where they stand. Plus, they are sick of this shit and looking forward to starting their summer job. Yeah, you all know how it is. I am the aberration. Finals still scare me. Furthermore, the 3Ls just do not care anymore, so that helps. Three cheers for my classmates!
- I am actually at my most productive and focused when I am tired. I cannot explain it, that is just the way it works. When the time comes for intense focus and total recall, I would rather be dog tired than working with my full (potentially) mentally faculties. In the words of the Who, "I cant explain"
And if you made it this far, let me just apologize for the lack of updates recently. It is not that there is a shortage of things to write, it is just that I do not have a whole lot of time, which is shocking considering there is $30 in my account. So I will be getting a lot busier once I have money and, you know, can do stuff. But fear not, good stuff on the way (I hope).
*if that doesn't convince you to rent the series through Netflix, I do not know what will, come on, they made a freaking movie about a failed TV Show
**nice way to bookend the Firefly/Serenity universe, eh?
***apathetic at least to one exam. I understand they have bigger fish to fry.