Friday, March 31, 2006

F for Effort

On the first day of Crim Pro the Prof made it abundantly clear that there was an inordinate amount of material to cover in the class. He said that it was 5 credit course crammed into 3 credits. He gave a basic overview of the course, then dismissed class. That first class lasted about 10 minutes. Even though he had posted a first assignment on the assignment board, we did not cover anything. Even though we had an ungodly amount of material to cover in the class, he wasted 40 minutes.

There are now three weeks left in the semester. We have gone through half of the syllabus. He has canceled four classes, and has no intention of making them up. Today in class, we did not even go through a case. Usually, we cover two cases a class, but there have been several instances where one or none have been covered.

I am not complaining. After all, I have no intention of practicing criminal law, so the only thing I care about is getting a good grade in this class, and the less we cover, the easier it is to cram for the final.

The Prof has taught this class in the past, so he must have some idea of how much can be covered in one semester. I know that most Profs never quite cover everything in their syllabus, but I have never taken a class that fell so grossly short of the goal.

I guess I was just wrong when I thought there weren't any idealistic Profs.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Two Posts in One Day, Aren't You Lucky

This is not really a post, contrary to the heading. I was considering writing up a post on Urinal etiquette, to build on my earlier post. Yes, this was to be another emergency post. But then I found this site. I do not usually post links, but this one sums up my feelings about pissing in a public bathroom.

I got a 50/60 on my first try. Good Luck to You!

Musicals . . .

I know on Thursdays I usually have some great insightful post about law school. Tonight I had fully intended to write about job interviews and how interviewers ask the stupidest questions, but the three hour interview I had this week that I was going to base this post on, went better than I thought. No stupid questions were asked. I will write more about it later, but for now, this is a post from my ever-expanding emergency archives:

What ever happened to the great American Musical? I remember having wet dreams about Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine. Not only for their cartoon hotness, but their ability to burst into song. I was raised on movies like The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and The Sound of Music. What was the last great movie to actually be centered around songs and characters singing?

Sir Elton John may be the one guy in music whose opinion I respect. He called Eminem a genius (and yes, Elton knew about the whole gay-bashing thing), and said that the South Park movie was one of the greatest movies of all time. I have to agree. I am a sucker for musicals, and South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut is the only musical that has come out in recent memory that was any good (not that there is any competition). Sure you can argue for Moulin Rouge, but I lost all respect for Ewan McGregor when he was in Blackhawk Down (Brits should not play Americans).

These days, the studios have found that using "“Names"” to voice characters is a better way to box office stardom. Why the hell else would they cast David Spade? As I recall, the Disney movies of yore did pretty damn well without resorting to lame gimmicks to get people in the theaters.

So I was watching the South Park movie, and there were four songs within the first fifteen minutes. This is genius. A well written song is powerful. Unfortunately, the mass media has begun to feel that this is not the case. I am here to tell them that people want to hear songs. Even The Simpsons has backed off on the songs. Is there anything funnier than the Mono-Rail song? I don'’t think so. Yet, The Simpsons creators have determined that it is too hard to write a good song. This is one of the reasons that the show has dropped off in the last few years.

To tie up this rant, the industry'’s decision to move away from musicals is one of the reasons I do not watch movies anymore. The studios try to rely on things like name actors to get people into the theaters, not quality movie writing. Need evidence? The nominees for the Best Picture for the Oscars were all movies that no one went to see, because they are depressing as hell. They have yet to figure out how to write a positive movie that people want to see. How can this be rectified? The answer is obvious, more musicals.

[Immediate Edit: Not my best work, but hey, you read it.]

Friday, March 24, 2006

Temping, Sideswipes, and Crooked Tow Truck Drivers Part #1

The Following Occurred in November 2004 (cue dramatic TV Drama music) (actually, it starts in April. Sucker!, (cue the wah-wa-waaahh))

I had pretty much decided that law school was the place for me in April 2004. Unfortunately, I did not apply to any schools, so I was going to have to wait a year and a half before starting. So I did the logical thing, I quit my job. I took on a job for the summer that involved many hours (averaged probably 60 a week) but I did not really have to do anything. This was much more preferable to the office job I was working at the time. With overtime, the pay was comparable, so I jumped ship, and began the summer job. As the leaves changed colors, and began to fall off the trees, the summer job ended and I was unemployed. I had enough saved up that I could get through three months before I ran out of money and got evicted. So I began my job search. It is a funny thing; employers do not like to hear that you are going back to school full-time in a year. I suppose I should not have mentioned that tidbit, but that violates my never lie policy (if they did not all ask where I saw myself in five years, I would have been fine, but many, many job interviewers ask bad questions, but that is a future post).

After a month of this, I began contacting the temp agencies. Temp agencies are worthless. They care about nothing. They can talk all they want about sophisticated matching systems, they do not do shit. If you are ever in the unfortunate situation of having a Temp Agency looking for jobs for you, the only advice I can give is call them every other day. Persistence pays off. I, of course, am too damn lazy to do that (plus I had another couple months before my savings dried up). After a couple weeks, I got desperate and applied for a job that I was horribly over qualified for. I went in for an interview, even though it seemed like they were hiring all comers, and got the job.

I will not go into the depressing details of the job, but let's just say, that this one is not going on my resume. Basically it was clerical work, that paid $10/hour, a big step down from two previous jobs (OK, it was more like I jumped into the Grand Canyon). The only decent thing about this job was that it gave me the opportunity to watch PTI everyday. Of course, that meant that after PTI it was time for bed. Why? Because the work hours were 4:30 am to 1:00 pm. Oh, and I should mention that Saturdays were mandatory. I usually got Wednesdays off. Goodbye social life. By the time Saturday night rolled around, well, I usually did not see Saturday night because I was sleeping before the sun went down.

Right now, as you read this, I am sure that you will agree that this is one of the worst jobs of all-time (still above assistant crack-whore though). However, the coup de gras was that this place was 42 miles from my house. That's right, 42 freaking miles. Half of what I made went to pay for gas (of course back in those days, gas was like $1.30 a gallon). That would make it 84 miles round trip. Thankfully, it was all highways and I could make it in 45 minutes by going 80. That was only in the morning, because I left for work around 3:30, which meant I was up by 3 am to shower and put on my face (or shave every third day, whatever). I am sure that my neighbors loved the multiple alarms going off at 2. The 45 minutes did not apply to the trip home, which took over an hour. Additionally, 400 miles a week was taking a toll on my car, which already had over 200,000 miles on it.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance to drive my car into the ground . . .

To be continued . . .

Rule #2

You Do Not Talk About Law School

Ok, so I stole this, and modified it a bit. But there is a reason that it is not Rule #1 and #2. It is fine to talk about law school and classes and even the law, but only when with other law students. And you cannot be the one to bring up the subject. If someone else does, let the bitching session begin, but anytime you are outside of the four walls of the building, do not broach the subject.

Any non-law school friends, assuming they did not desert you after finding out you wanted to be a lawyer, do not care about hearing crazy hypotheticals about the Risk/Utility Test. If they ask how school is, just say it sucks and move onto more interesting things like why donuts have a hole in the middle. Of course, there are those friends that want to know how they can get out of their lease or what they should do when a cop pulls them over and they are stinkin' drunk. While I do not condone the unauthorized practice of law, give them the most superficially intelligent answer you can think of. That way, there is no force behind the words, and they will probably forget what you said anyway (throwing in Latin phrases helps).

There is however, one small subset of the population that you can talk about law school with. Your Mom. If you ever feel the need to explain the rationale behind Miranda or what a derivative work is, just call up mom and let the knowledge flow. She just wants to hear her offspring speak intelligently about anything, while she envisions the hundreds of thousands of dollars you will be making, resulting in the nice retirement home you will buy for her in Cardiff By The Sea.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Oh Crap

I used to think the worst phrase in the English language was "Sorry, I have a boyfriend" after talking to a girl in a bar for twenty minutes and two drinks. Or maybe even, "Black Tie Optional" or possibly "It burns when I pee." All that changed this week.

I was researching for my paper due next week at home, and printed out 20 or so cases that seemed relevant on the designated printers in the library (hoo-ray for free printing). I had not really read them yet, but I figured I could just throw them on top of my to do pile. I headed out to the library to pick them up, and upon entering I saw a sign that sent chills down my spine and nearly made me vomit.

"Both Lexis and Westlaw printers are broken. A technician will be in next week to fix them"

How can I be expected to write a paper if I cannot even print out the cases I need? This is some serious emotional distress. I like to procrastinate. The consequences should not be this dire.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Law School Rule #1

Seeing as how I just realized that the name of this blog is a homonym, I figured I should run with it. I now have a gimmick. So what are the Law School Rules?

Law School Rule #1

Never raise your hand if there is less than five minutes left in the class

This is a sure fire way to piss off everyone else in your class. After 45 minutes of drudgery, everyone just wants to get out as soon as possible. No one wants to take notes anymore or hear more of the Prof’s self-righteous bullshit. Therefore, no one should ever raise their hand to ask or answer a question when there is under five minutes to go. The last thing you want to do is give the Prof fodder for a ten minute rant. Any question that you think should be asked is better saved for Office Hours. That’s what they are for. Office hours exist so you can ask your stupid, irrelevant and off-topic questions in a forum that will not get the entire class pissed off at you.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Prof's say the darndest things...

In my relatively short Law School career, I have had some pretty funny Profs. In fact, one even went so far as to include "It's ok to laugh in class" on his syllabus. My school shuns the regular aristocracy in class. I have heard students call out Profs and Profs call out students, though always in a bantering sort of way. It makes for a more relaxed atmosphere, that does not really facilitate learning, but I am paying the world's largest cover, so I take what I can get.

Today, my most serious professor said something that cracked up the entire class. Half of the hilarity probably came from the fact that this guy is not prone to making jokes, but I do not think the professor could resist after grilling a student for fifteen minutes and she dropped a non sequitur.

His Reply: "Well I killed my parents, but I should get a break because I am an orphan."

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Invasion of Privacy While Taking a Leak

So I was taking a leak in the law school bathroom today, which is something I generally refrain from doing, but four cups of coffee convinced me otherwise today. I headed in, and the bathroom was empty, but I was soon joined by another. Another 1L walked up to the urinal next to me, and apparently decided to make conversation. He said something like "Each week gets harder and harder." True to form, I responded, "mmm-hmmm." He continued, "By Friday I will be in the belfry." I gave a fake laugh, "Haha." Not because I did not get it, but merely because I did not think it was funny. I figured that this would be a good time to come up with a hilarious response, such as, "Well, tell the bats good riddance for me, I spent enough time with them last week" or something along those lines, but the fact was, I really did not want to respond.

The only time I want another guy to talk to me when I have my dick in my hand is . . . well . . . never. Urinal conversations should be banned.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Fucking Corporations

I have to mention this. The local news station had the exclusive rights to ask for tips regarding a drug dealer. This situation was being investigated by Federal Marshals. Apparently there was some deal made between the Government and the TV station that only they could ask for tips. This is so utterly ridiculous, I cannot even contain my rage. I am all for big business, but this is ridiculous. The news station is making it out that law enforcement stories go to the highest bidder. Goddamn. I don't know if this post made any sense, but I am sticking with it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


Unfortunately for me, this week has been very indicative of my sleep habits. Sunday night was probably the worst night of the week, as it usually is for me. My weekend activities consist solely of two things, usually. I use the weekend to primarily catch up on all the sleep I lost during the week, and thus it is not unusual for me to sleep close to 30 hours over the weekend (that's fifteen hours a night folks, this should be an Olympic sport). Therefore, on Sunday, I usually get up refreshed around 2, and spend the rest of the day doing homework, watching Sunday night cartoons, and doing more homework. The general plan is to get to bed between 2 and 3 am. The hard part is falling asleep. On Sunday, I could not fall asleep. Eventually I drifted off around 6:30 am. I wish I had some great excuse, like I spent all night researching some archaic law for my Note or an army of angry AFLAC ducks had stormed my apartment or I was at an Oscar after-party with Keira Knightly, but really, I just sleep too much over the weekend. I was awakened 25 minutes later by the Mike & Mike show blasting two inches from my ear. Of course, I do not get up then, rather just hit the four minute snooze until 8:15, when I roll out of bed and head to class. The rest of the day was spent in a lethargic haze as I swayed from class to class as though I had spent too long at a champagne brunch.

I eventually made it through the day, my work for the next day complete by 7. I then made a critical mistake; I decided to read a novel. When I read a book, that's not a text book, I become very invested it. I refuse to skip ahead, and thus am forced to read the book all the way through. In fact, it becomes a mission to finish the book as soon as possible. Because of this, I have only read three novels since I started law school. I decided around 7:30 to pick up this book and continued reading (A Civil Action, my parents sent it to me for my birthday, and I have never seen the movie). I was able to finally put it down around 9, and fell asleep shortly thereafter.

I woke up on Tuesday at 8 for class. Someone once told me that how you feel depends on the one day previous night's sleep. Seeing as how on that night I got roughly 45 minutes of sleep (counting the sleep between pushing the snooze), I was wasted the entire day. Could not focus, lacked motivation, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I struggled through, fought the good fight, and was ready for sleeping around midnight. However, the plight of the citizens in A Civil Action begged for my attention, and figuring that I did not have to get up until 10, I could read for an hour. I did so, then tried to fall asleep for 30 minutes, then gave up. I picked up the book and read until 4. The book was still not finished, and that made me a little depressed, enough to keep me awake for another hour.

Bearing to the hearsay theory of sleep, I felt pretty good on Wednesday. The work needed to be done for Thursday was made easier by the fact that my 8:30 class had been canceled. Not only did this mean I did not have to prepare for my hardest class, but I could sleep an extra three hours. Given this opportunity, there was only one thing I could do. I came home from class, and read A Civil Action until I finished. It took just over an hour and a half to finish, and the glorious ending motivated me to get to work. Unfortunately, the side effect of finishing the book, is the realization that there is no longer a task to complete. This thought hung over my head as I tossed and turned for three hours, not falling asleep until 5 (and woke up at 10).

So to recap, that's 45 minutes of sleep Sunday night, 11 hours Monday night, and 5 hours Tuesday and Wednesday; an average of 5.4 hours a night. Though the book is the critical element this week, it will probably be something else next week. This is quite a vicious cycle I have gotten myself into. I wish I could blame this on being in Law School, but that really is not the problem. Anyway, tonight I have taken the only sane solution to falling asleep at a normal hour without any tossing and turning. A 12 pack.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Job Search

The 1L job search is an exercise in futility. I am convinced that this is true. Who the hell wants to hire a 1L anyway? The only thing that we are good for is dry cleaning handkerchiefs and mopping floors. After the first year of law school I know nothing. Sure I can tell you what Rule 11 is and how not to violate the Rule Against Perpetuities, but other than that; nothing. I feel that a few tales from the possibly fictional Anonymous Lawyer are apropos here; 6/22/2005, and more succinctly, 11/16/2004.

The point is, no one wants us. We are more a liability than anything else. Any 1L who thinks he knows shit about shit is on the fast track to getting his ass handed to him (or her). That leaves 1L'’s with only a couple of options. One, working for a judge. This sounds sexy and will probably look good on a resume, but in actuality it is more mind-numbing than document review. How many hours can you stare at SJ motions? How many hours can you read pointless high-handed briefs? If you take this job, the answer is forty per week. Oh, and it is not paid. The second option is working at the Olive Garden. Sure there is not much there that is law-related, but at least you will know that you are the smartest one there. Plus, you can play with those cool flashing light Big-Brotherish devices that tell people when they can finally drop $30 a person for a mediocre meal. The last option is finding a sugar daddy or mommy. For most 1L'’s, this is their own mommy or daddy. They will let you live at home, rent free. You might not even have to find a job. This is the perfect chance to begin research that comment you need to get credit for law review. At the very least, it will be a good chance to reconnect with your burnout friends from high school that haven'’t been able to get out of town.

As for me; I am trying to find a judge to hire me. If that fails, well, let's not think about that yet.

Spring Break

Spring Break is over now. Of Course, at my school it never really started. The draconian empire here decided spring break was a waste of time. Needless to say, I celebrated everyday this week. Though getting drunk every night of the week is not exactly celebrating, it sure as hell beats the alternative of doing homework.

Just to be clear about the name of this blog. Law School does not rule. It does not rule at all. As another blog has pointed out (Barely Legal Blog) law school sucks worse than barber college. The difference is that upon graduation, barbers make $40,000 a year, while lawyers make $100,000. That huge disparity is the only reason that law school does not suck. Keep your eye on the prize, it's the only thing that will get you through.