Saturday, June 24, 2006

Second Thoughts

At some point in my life, I decided that I wanted to be a Lawyer. Only time will tell if I was correct, or completely misjudged myself. However, I recently learned things that make me think I made the wrong decision.

I have tried to avoid one thing like it was the plague in my life, and no, it is not a meaningful relationship with another human being. Apparently, when you pass the Bar, you get fingerprinted. This is not good. My whole life I have successfully avoided being fingerprinted, and now it is only a matter of time. Even the time the cop took me downtown, I was able to avoid touching the ink pad.

The printing will occur in two years, meaning that the Statute of Limitations will not have run yet for most of the fun crimes. Not that I ever plan on committing any crimes, but it was nice to have that option available.

Oh well, guess from now on, I will always wear latex gloves. Or at least I can procure one of those devices from Men In Black.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Gay Games? Really?

Apparantly there is something called the Gay Games being held in Chicago. Like you, I at first thought that this would involve contests such as who can deep-throat the longest Italian sausage or who can find the most dimes in the 1970's style shag carpeting with her mouth.

It really is just a festival type thing. I couldn't care less about it. But I was wondering if after the championship softball game, if they play "Big Girls Don't Cry"?

Ok enough of that. I am starting something new for the next couple of weeks. A totally gay idea (as in stupid, moronic). It will be my own Gay Games. This is what I am going to try. Short Posts. A couple of jokes, and I am out. I am not sure if I can do it, but I will give it my best.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Monkeys in a Monkeyhouse

Have you ever gone to the Zoo? Of course, everyone has gone to the Zoo. Have you ever stopped by the monkey house? Of course you have, everyone looks at the monkeys. And I bet that for 95% of you, when you saw them, you thought they were pretty boring. They were just sitting around, eating, shiting, and sleeping. Everyone is disappointed by the monkey house. We were brought up on Curious George, and these monkeys in captivity have gotten lazy.

But have you ever gone to the zoo and stayed in the monkeyhouse for six hours, watching the same pen of monkeys? Pretty much no one ever has. After all, you miss the llamas and zebras and elephants and lions and tigers if you watch one boring animal for the entire day. But you watch them for the whole day, and you get the good with bad. Sure, there is a lot of downtime, but them monkeys like to play too. You watch that long, you are sure to see some tail pulling, feces throwing, chasing, screeching, upside down hanging going on with all the monkeys. And if you are really lucky, you might see a full fledged fight. Not a couple of prepubescent wannabe alpha males tussling, but a full fledged fight. You never know, but if there is a ever a day when you have absolutely nothing to do, and no idea what to do, head down to the zoo, go into the monkey house, and stake out some monkeys for the entire day. But bring a book.

Of course, there is a reason that I am bringing this up now. Yep, you know the reason, Hockey. Game 7 of the Stanley Cup final starts at 8:15 pm Eastern (on Monday June, 17). It is game seven, this one is for all the marbles. This is what sports is all about. Maybe I should have saved the story for something better, but I am using it now. It is not enough to just flip to the game every now and then, you should watch the whole thing (FYI, Intermission is 20 minutes). If you just flip to it, its a bunch of guys skating around, up and down the ice, but if you watch the whole game, you will several unbelievable things. Like this from last nights game:

It is a little hard to see, but the goalie made the save. I was out of my chair screaming when I saw that (Go 'Canes). The goalie, Cam Ward, has made some unbelievable saves in the playoffs, and whoever said you need a lot of scoring for a game to be exciting is a moron (US v. Italy, great game, though it was a tie, only 2 goals, and the US really did not score).

So for the last, hear my plea, watch some hockey. It is on NBC on Monday, and the puck drops at 8:15 pm Eastern. (Note: The ratings are still abysmal, From SI this week, The series telecast switched from OLN to NBC for Game 3 and "Game 3 last Saturday posted a 1.7 overnight rating, among the lowest ever for a prime-time network broadcast . . . .")

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Overtime? Hell No!

For the first time since my first job (golf caddie, approx. 11 years ago), I have refused to work extra hours at my job (I am NOT working a legal job. If I were, things would be different). Being a caddie sucked, but since then, my eye has been on the prize. Even if it was working an extra hour a week for seven bucks, over the course of a year, it added up to $364. That is some nice bank (course nowadays, it does not cover the bills for a month, but I digress). Working an extra hour here and there was easy for me to rationalize. I was always up for more work. In truth, I do not mind working, after all, at least I am being productive. What else am I going to do with that hour? Watch TV, drink some beer, and rub one out? Sure that is all well and good, but I would rather make some money.

So today, when my boss came and asked me if I could stay late, I refused, without hesitation. Then, my other boss came by and asked me again, and my reply was a terse, "Nah." Thankfully, none of my other six bosses came by to ask, I may have given in, just to get them off my back (I got the damn memo). Granted, refusing to work OT is one of the perks of being hourly, but why did I refuse now, when I never did in the last 10 years? The answer is simple.

Law School.

(Bet you saw that one coming.) I have finally reached a point in my life where I have a modicum of direction, whether or not I want to be a lawyer or not, the needle is still pointed in that direction. Because of this, my future is beginning to take shape. My psychic powers show me forty-five years of 80-90 hour work weeks, partly because I want to succeed, partly because I am perfectionist, and partly because I cannot trust others, and mostly because that is what it takes to make Partner, and once you make Partner, well, that is not the time to start slacking off. Granted, I may not get a job at a prestigious firm, but any lawyer who has clients is on call 24/7. Whether you are a criminal defense attorney showing up on a Saturday for an arraignment, or a divorce attorney being called up because the wife took the dog, or a regular run of the mill attorney being called up at 9 p.m. by a small local business because they have a big order to fill by 8 a.m. the next morning, and their supplier has not yet shipped the boxes (yeah, they call the lawyer last), there really is no freedom from the oppression of the job. Maybe that is why Lady Justice's scales are permanently out of balance.

Is this the life I want? Maybe, probably, and because of this, forget working overtime. In the past, it was really all about the money. Today, it is about the summer of [Lawschoolrules]. The Summer of [Lawschoolrules]!! Fuck if I am going to bust my ass when I have the rest of my life for that shit.

Or maybe it was because Game Five of the Stanley Cup final was tonight. The damn Oilers won in Overtime.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Drunken Fun

I went down to the southside tonight to take in a Sox game. They put up a good fight, down by eight heading into the bottom of the Ninth, and proceeded to score six runs. Not quite enough, but still exciting. They almost came back.

However, the fun really started after I got back to mny Best Friends house, who took me to the game. He is just getting out of a long term relationship, and is looking for something different, so he posted a profile on anyway, I was at his place, and he got an e-mail from some girl on the site. While he was making himself some ribs, I decided to to compose a reply to the e-mail that was sent. He decided not to use it, but laughed several times while he read it, so I will now share it with you.

Hey, thanks for the response. Do not worry about the smoking though, as my philosophy in life is smoke them if you got them. However, I do understand that your career choice might frown upon smoking. After all, the last time that I went to get a massage, I dropped fifty bucks for the happy ending and it was totally ruined by her skanky breath. But hell, at least she swallowed. Hopefully you will do the same.

I love going to concerts. Two years ago, I had my own PR by going to 34 shows. It was ubeleivable. I cannot hear shit anymore, which will be nice since I will not have to hear you bable on about some stupid ass shit, but concerts are still loud enough that I can still hear the bass line! So as long as you are not looking to go see Yo Yo Ma, I think we could have a good time. As luck would have it, I have an extra ticket to Warped Tour on July 30th. Maybe you could come with us. It would be a rocking good time. I dont drink, so I can keep my asshole friends' hands off of you. However, after Zebrahead takes the stage, we will all probably be so ramped up that we will gang bang you in the Port-A-Potty.

And as for my tatoos, they defy description. I actually had my pubes removed by means of a laser, and I have a very nice message tatooed above my woman pleaser. Of course, I would be happy to show this to you, and my other 11 tatoos, but only after you show me your strategically placed tatoo, and are down on your knees. If you are a more conservative girl, and do not want to jump right in, I would be happy to show you my perice nipples, so long as I get to play with your nipples for five minutes first.

Thanks for sending me an e-mail. I hope to hear from you soon.

Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom--

[My Buddy's Name]

Friday, June 09, 2006

54th Post Extravaganza!!! Part Deux

a.k.a. The 55th Post Espectacular!!!

After ranting for several paragraphs about not knowing a thing about women, I concluded with this.

The inspiration for this post happened a few days ago. A girl came to class wearing a white t-shirt. Just a regular normal t-shirt. Unfortunately it was not a V-Neck, but it was a plain old white t-shirt. I have never seen anything hotter in my life. I was half-stocked the entire class. I do not know what it was, maybe it was the fact that she is stacked and the shirt was a little tight and the classroom was a little cold, but I do not think that any of those factors are conclusive. She was not particularly made up that day, I think her hair was in a ponytail, and she might have been wearing flip-flops, but the plain white shirt made my head spin. She may have noticed the drool coming out of my mouth, as in the class we had an hour later she was wearing a sweatshirt, but it could have been because it was a little chilly in the classrooms.

Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. But, I think that may have been what did it for me. She was wearing a T-shirt that probably belonged to a guy. Personally, I cannot think of anything hotter than a girl wearing one of my shirts and nothing else.

I was going to write a list of reasons why law school is like second grade, but I only got through one before I passed out. I should have come back to this, but never did.

Lack of Self-Monitoring
--In Second Grade you felt the complete freedom to ask whatever you wanted to, whenever you wanted to. Say you were learning subtraction (2-1=?) and someone would raise his hand and ask, "Teacher, why is the grass green?" Sometimes it seems like that in class. Second-graders can blame short attention spans though.

And Finally, sometimes I write strange things in my notes, so I figured that while I was making outlines, I would post all the funny things in my notes. Turns out most of them are not funny. Regardless, after finishing my second exam, I started freaking out (actually, I just got lazy), so I did not record things from all my notes, but here are the best ones I got.

  • What the hell is someone doing with $19,000 worth of jewelry at a Wal-Mart in the Ghetto?
  • If tavern owners are supposed to stop serving drunks, why have I been escorted out of bars by cops?
  • Do not assume that the most apparent meaning is the correct meaning. Stay Loose (slut).
  • 48% of statistics are made up, including this one.
  • Three Kinds of Lies in this society: Lies, Damnable Lies, and Statistics.
  • To permit the railroad to choose something. Whoops, too much Free Cell.
  • It is very nice and concise and has cherries on top.
  • Biggest Lies—Checks in the Mail, and the Second on is—“I am from the government and I am here to help you"
  • To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  • The court leads off with the negative implication rule. And it starts by saying, That class is over!
  • Some dude invented the case method of legal education. Asshole.
  • Judge Traynor is a hippie. But a smart hippie.
  • Whoa, I have tuned out the last ten minutes or so
  • If the facts favor your client hammer on the facts, if the law favors your client hammer on the law. If neither favors your client, hammer on the opposing counsel.
  • I don’t know what the hell he said. Stop playing solitaire.
  • What the hell what is the point of this? I should have stayed at home and taken a nap.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

54th Post Extravaganza!!!

a.k.a. The Shit I Did Not Finish.

Over the course of the time since I started writing my blog, I have written several things that I either never finished, or thought sucked.

So here is the best of the crap that did not make the cut.

Fake Conversation

Sometimes I imagine conversations that could have been, in my head.

Today, I brought the wrong book to one of my classes, and though I still brief my cases, I envisoned this as the conversation that would have ensued had the Prof. called on me:

Prof: So, [Lawschoolrules], how about Long?
Me: I brought the wrong book, but I will give it a shot.
Prof: (incredously) You brought the wrong book?
Me: Yeah, it looks just like the Torts book. Sometimes I am a dumbass.
Prof: Well you got in here didn't you?
Me: We will just have to see if I am here next year.
Prof: I heard you were getting some award though?
Me: They are always trying to give me something. It's a conspiracy to get me to socialize.

This is a portion of an AIM conversation I had with an ex-co-worker several months ago

XCW: what the hell do you have going for you?

me: in two and half years i will be making $100,000

me: that’s about it

XCW: 100,000....and what are you going to spend all that money on?

me: calf implants

[Do not give me the third degree about making $100,000 a year. I know the odds. With my luck, I probably will not even be able to catch a job as a public defender.]

This one is a bit dated, but I am sure you have seen the commercial

If you are like me and watch Oprah religiously, I am sure that you have seen the commercial for Yoplait Light that includes the song Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. There are two reasons that I love this song. One is that because every time I hear it, I think of a hot girl wearing a bikini that barely covers her. Ahhh....behold the power of imagination. The second is that this is one of the few songs that I can play on the piano. I would need the sheet music since I haven't played the piano in quite a few years, but I am sure that today, I could play it well enough that you could recognize it.

However, there are some serious problems with the commercial. It is all a problem of semantics. When someone says, "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" what do you think of? Build the mental picture in your mind. I have got the time, if you have got the wine.

I always pictured some primary color bikini with polka dots. The polka dots are Yellow. The "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" is a bikini of some color that is covered with yellow polka dots. However, the commercial has the bikini as being solid yellow, with red polka dots. If anyone read this blog and I knew how to put in a poll, I would like to know what everyone pictured when they hear "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini."

All I know for sure is that I am now boycotting Yoplait Light until they make the polka dots yellow.

That is enough for now. Part 2 Coming tomorrow.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Random Thoughts & Questions

  • I passed all my classes, so it looks like I will be around for another couple of years.
  • Remember when MTV2 came out, and it was billed as a channel that only played music videos?
  • Jimmy Kimmel was funnier on The Man Show.
  • How come a Pitcher has to leave the mound to lick his hand, but can stay on the mound to blow on his hand or run his hands through his hair?
  • Why does a pitcher lick his hand?
  • When Einstein interviewed someone for a job, he would serve them soup, and if the candidate salted the soup before tasting it, there was no way he would get the job.
  • Polish Beer is pretty good, but until I get a job, I am going to stick with the cheap domestic stuff.
  • On that note, I read an article in BusinessWeek about how Miller is positioning its array of beers in different markets. For instance, IceHouse is the beer they want guys to drink before they head out for the night. Are people that easily manipulated, that they see a commercial for IceHouse with a bunch of dudes playing Playstation and they think, "That could be me!" If there isn't a hot chick in the beer commercial, it is not the beer for me.
  • SI had an article where Carson Palmer was quoted as hating the Steelers. The Talking Heads blew it out of proportion. He does not hate the people that are Steelers, just the Steeler team.
  • I will never understand how people can spend a couple hours at a time on Myspace.
  • I overhead my neighbor talking with his wife on Memorial Day. He said, "Memorial Day is for drinking. You start drinking, and then you throw up so you can drink some more." He is a Cop.
  • In college, there was a party at my house, and there was this really annoying kid there who I had never met. But, his girlfriend was hot, and was flirting with everyone there. Therefore, some guys at the party started giving him shit. He got very drunk and upset, and started acting crazy. I was also very drunk, and tried to do what Superman would do, so I intervened and took him outside and tried to calm him down. After ten minutes, I thought I was making progress, then his girl came out, followed by a nice stream of guys. Things quickly snowballed out of control. Somehow, me and the annoying kid ended up on the next block, me still trying to calm him down, when he said, "If she ever leaves me, I will kill myself." I said, "What" and he repeated himself, much more adamant this time. Thinking that there was a good chance she would leave him, I did the only thing my drunken mind thought was a good idea, I popped him one, right in the face. I am not proud of this.
  • He and she left soon after, but he came back the next day to apologize for acting like an ass, and he had a nice shiner around his left eye. Right before he left, as I was sitting there watching TV, he asked, "Who hit me?" I raised my hand. He left.
  • I need to stop posting when I am drunk.
  • I am not drunk right now.
  • Computers should come with a breathalyzer.
  • So should cell phones.
  • Memory is weird thing. I was watching Seinfeld the other day and there was a reference to Kessler, which I got, because I watched some documentary about Seinfeld years ago. However, I cannot remember the name of my first grade teacher.
  • The Hurricanes will beat the Sabres tonight 3-2. It might go into overtime, so you should watch it. It starts at 7:30 Eastern, and is on OLN. If you do not get OLN, and have fast internet, go to They stream the games. Hell, go to that link right now and watch some condensed games (60 Minutes of action in 20 minutes, when it usually takes 2 and half hours! You cannot lose!).
  • I can throw better with my left arm than Jacques Jones can throw with his dominant arm (I am right-handed, and no ambidextria here).
  • My site hasn't shown up on Alexa yet. It probably never will. Thankfully, that was never a goal.
  • I want to play some tennis, but I do not have any balls.
  • Cigarettes don't cause cancer. People smoking cigarettes causes cancer.
  • I worked at a Dairy Queen throughout high school (2.5 years), and I have not eaten anything from there since I quit.
  • I counted it up the other day. I am in my 20's and I have worked 12 different jobs. That seems like a lot, at least to me (and I am probably forgetting a couple, the memory remember) (the shortest tenure at any one job was three weeks, but that was only one of them, all the rest were at least four months) (and I have never been fired).
  • I did not have my first drink until my freshman year of college. It was a Woodchuck Apple Cider or some shit like that. A sophomore with a fake recommended it to me as a good choice for a first drink. It sucked.
  • The first time I got drunk was also freshman year. Vodka and OJ in my friends' dorm room. It was the greatest thing I had ever had in my life. Unfortunately, most of it ended up on the bathroom floor.
  • Pat Foley IS the best play-by-play guy in sports. The Blackhawks have completely discredited themselves by letting him go. I remember, on Opening Day this season, I streamed the 'Hawks broadcast and listened to the whole game (F-ed homework for that night). By the middle of the season, he sounded deflated, once again let down by the organ-I-zation he has supported for 25 years. That is right, he has announced 'Hawk games for 25 years. He did the simulcast (for those that do not know, the 'Hawks only show away games on TV, so his play-by-play could be heard on the TV and the radio). And they just let him go. "Thanks, here is the door. Do not let it hit you on the way out." I have never completely abandoned one of my favorite sports franchises before, but this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. To say I am infuriated by this development is an understatement. Back in 1997, Bill Simmons, ESPN's The Sports Guy abandoned his beloved Bruins (and hockey altogether) because of the horrible mis-management of the franchise (when the Bruins traded Joe Thornton this year, he did not even write about it [I think the abandonment was in 1997, that seems long ago, but a quick ESPN search did not find the column I wanted, I will edit if/when I find out for sure]). But, it may have come to this. In a couple weeks, I may not be a diehard Hawks fan anymore. I will never give up Hockey, but I may jump franchises. However, that may not be necessary. In Shoeless Joe (the book that Field of Dreams is based on) Ray Kinsella proclaims that he has no favorite franchise or player, he is just a fanatic of the game (baseball in that case). That is pretty much what I have been for the last 8 years, while the 'Hawks have sucked. Maybe I should just love the game, root for the sport, and enjoy the essence of hockey. But, if I do that, will I lose the passion I have for the game?
Well that is an hour in my brain. Hope you enjoyed it.