Friday, May 12, 2006

Bowling For Dummies

After a long strange evening, one thing sticks out. The Bowling Alley. Do not get me wrong, I am a big fan of bowling. I love throwing a 15 pound ball down a narrow causeway, where you have to hit it just right for the glory to explode. I will not lie about my bowling prowess; I played six games tonight and each was over 100, but not by much. So when we began the countdown of three things I notice about the bowling alley, I am not #1:

#1: The Loner:
The loner is the guy who goes to the bowling alley by himself, but he waits for the adulation of his peers when he bowls the rare 300 hundred (or close) game. Yeah, you have all seen him, he bowls ten games in three hours, and puts a ridiculous spin on the ball. However, some of these guys are merely perfecting their spin, while some of them are aspiring to be The Loner. The Loner is a damn good bowler. He is the guy that rolls his eyes when those on the lanes next to him do not respect his space and bowl before him. He never gets pissed, because he knows the game, but he still thinks his shit does not stink. Just for the record, The Loner is better than you at bowling, but you can school him in every other aspect of life.

#2: The Teenager:
This one needs no explanation, so I will be brief. The bowling alley does not give a fuck who comes into bowl so long as they pay. This is the perfect atmosphere to the high schoolers who want to smoke without big brother intervention, the place to go is the bowling alley. And afterwards, when their folks say, "Why do you smell like smoke" they can reply with "I went bowling tonight, you know how those places are." It is the cheap alternative to concerts for smoking cigarettes for the under 18 crowd.

#3: The Dreamer:
First, this is me. Let me explain. I blame the bowling alleys. Back in the 80's, they realized that people did not like rolling goose-eggs, and the best way to counter this was to "treat" the lanes so that they would allow normal people to get more strikes. The answer to this, was more wax. The lanes are so waxed down now, that if Bea Arthur was blind, she could still bowl a 300. There is no challenge left in bowling. There is no need to learn how to spin the ball because if you can throw it straight, you can get a strike every now and then. If you think you are hot shit because you can throw a strike on these overwaxed lanes, then you are a dreamer, because the guys on ESPN are playing on a completely different surface. They play on a lane where each board has a unique roll to it, and it actually matters where you drop it and what the spin is. It is like golf, the course looks easy enough, but if you pull your top hand forward slightly, then you are in the rough, and lucky if you get a bogey.

So what is the moral of the story? You suck at bowling. Everyone sucks at bowling. The only way you will ever be good is if you live in a redneck town, with the only bowling alley in a 200 mile radius, and they cannot afford exorbitant rates for wax. If you live in one of those towns, I will see you on the PBA.


Kimberly said...

Ohhh, seriously...I may just be overly tired, but I laughed so hard my eyes watered.

lawschoolrules said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
lawschoolrules said...

I was watching bowling on ESPN classic the other day, and they made a big deal that the guys were bowling on the Cobra Surface. (I think it was cobra, I could be mistaken). Regardless, we dont bowl on the cobra surface. Who knew there was more than one surface.

lawschoolrules said...

So, I was re-reading this post for some reason, and I found this on wikipedia (under PBA). Thought I would share for anyone who cares:

"Unlike the typical "league condition" or "house shot," which facilitates a fairly consistent pattern and wider target area, the PBA rotates five challenging lane oil patterns throughout the season. The patterns -- known as Cheetah, Viper, Scorpion, Shark and Chameleon -- feature varying oil volumes and lengths that require pros to adjust ball angle, rotation and speed accordingly. On some patterns, certain "strike lines" (areas of the lane) are unplayable, and spare shooting becomes much more important. This means a 220 average on the PBA Tour would easily translate to 20-30 pins higher on a typical league shot."

I knew Cobra Surface was not right.

Anonymous said...

I don't know where you fall into this category but Oh My God!!. Bowling Allys dont Wax the lanes they Oil the lanes, the addition of the Oil actually makes it harder to bowl then easier, every time someone bowls the oil carries to different parts of the lane and alters the approach of the ball. But if you can find a ally that waxes their lanes let me know i'd like to try it out. LOL.