Overheard in Law Review

As my group is working on our technical galley (checking the cites in the footnotes) in the law review office, another publication editor walks into the room:

Other Editor: "[Tim] ([my publication editor]), I have a question for your group. [Cue some boring ass-shit about how to site an id. in reference to a bunch of statutes, and a couple responses.] O.K. thanks, that helps. How is your article going?"

Tim: "Eh, you know, it pretty much sucks."

Group: Laughs and nods in agreement.

Other Editor: "How many footnotes do you have?"

Tim: "Oh, about 350."

Other Editor: "Yeah that sucks, we have 305. It fucking sucks."

Group: Nods in agreement.

Me: [after a couple beats] "Oh, so tell me what you really think of my comment."

[Awkward silence]

[Still silent. I should mention, that no one gets my sense of humor. I deliver everything in a nice monotone, and have an extremely dry sense of humor, so people who do not know me (which is virtually everyone) do not know when I am making a joke (actually no one ever knows when I make a funny).]

Other Editor (who is in charge of editing my comment): "Oh, well, [backpedaling] I mean its good, its just . . . umm . . .

Me: "I was just kidding."

I should not have let him off so easy. It would be nice if one could get a straight answer sometime. I am tired of this "It Depends" bullshit. (for instance, if I was not in the room, my comment would royally suck, but when I am there, it is alright).

Defining "Sucks"

As I type this it is nearly 5 a.m. My comment was due yesterday, but the editors allowed us to have an additional couple of days to make sure they are "perfect." So really, it is due Wednesday morning. But mine was finished on time. It was done. All I had to do was ensure that my cites were correct, that I was Id.ing properly, and that all my sources did, in fact, exist.

Should have been easy right? Well it was.

Enter the government. Or the damn government as I will call it. Damn it decides to issue a short report (which I discovered around 11 p.m.) that pretty much endorses all of my arguments. Now, because this is available, I am going to have to cite it, and all of sudden, I am not [specific industry] genius, but rather an unoriginal copycat.

So now I have to revise (or really add to make mention of and quote the report) a bunch of my footnotes to include this report, as well as note it in numerous places throughout my paper.

I would not care so much if I was just handing in my final draft for law review credit. Unfortunately, my comment was chosen for publication (and the deadline is so that the comment can get an independent galley review), so I pretty much have to care about what information is included, because, god forbid, some person may read it one day.

Update: It is now around 9 p.m. on Tuesday night. My comment is finished. I have been up since 12:30 Monday afternoon. Yep, you know what that means, Time to start Drinking!!!

Update #2: It is now 1 a.m. I surpassed my goal of being up for 36 straight hours. I think that is pretty good. I am not a marine, I am just a man. Well, something less than a man; I am trying to be a lawyer after all.

Things That Could Have Been Brought To My Attention YESTERDAY

So after a hard day of doing pretty much nothing, I went to bed at 10 a.m. and got up around 3 p.m., which happened to be quite frustrating, I decided I needed a cool refreshing beverage. You know, to help me sleep. Contrary to what my life would indicate, I really do not like going to bed long after the sun has risen. So I went to the local Kwik-E-Mart around midnight (the one across from the law school since I unfortunately had to spend some time there tonight) and picked up some cool refreshing Rolling Rock. I then went to check out because, when you get down to it, stealing is just wrong, and waited for five minutes while the cashier was trying to find the birthdate on the ID of the guy in front me. I figured this would be just great, my out of state ID would make it impossible for the rocket scientist behind the counter to find my birthdate.

I got the front of the line, and calmly handed my ID to the clerk. He looked at it for two seconds, handed it back, and said matter of factly, "I can't sell this to you. It is expired." Then he grabbed my beer and threw it on the back counter while I, dumbfoundedly, looked at my license and said, "Whaaaaaaaaa??"

So my license expired two weeks ago, I think I lost the automatic renewal form, and now I cannot buy beer at the gas station across the law street. Thankfully though, I usually go buy my sleep aid at another gas station, and they know me, so I still got my stuff tonight.

Also, I was editing my comment today, and guess what? You can have automatic cross references. Yep, no one told me this. So I had to go through my finished freaking article and make them all automatic (that would be all the supra n. X's). So if you ever write a document with footnotes, remember that. Because I had no freaking clue, and it was a bitch to fix them all. Took me a freaking hour (I had to do this. My editor told me to).

And while trying to edit my paper, I was trying to listen to my iPod. But the earphones I bought for $9.99 are a piece of shit, not only the way they sound, but they also like to transmit static. I have to adjust the plug every two minutes. Why didn't anyone tell me that earphones you buy for $9.99 are not worth the plastic they are molded in?

And before that happened, I was planning on going to the law school so I could consult Redbook. But when I wanted to leave, it was freaking pouring. No one told me it was going to rain today. That pissed me off, but at least I was able to put off work for a couple hours (and no, I am not a pussy, I just do not trust my "waterproof" computer case and do not own an umbrella).

And even before that, as I was laying in bed at five a.m. and came across a show on A&E that informed me that Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute, but rather a bored rich woman who fucked for the sheer joy of it, not for money. Apparently some scrolls were found in Egypt that refutes the common thought about her. I never trusted a bible written by white men, that was passed on through talking for several centuries, but now my head hurts thinking about this.

So to recap, I am driving around on an expired license, wasted an hour doing clerical work, my iPod is only worth as much as the headphones that are used, was in danger of getting wet, and have had all my thoughts on God cast into doubt. I think I need to spend more time reading and less time watching reruns of Scrubs, The Simpsons, and Yes Dear.

A Productive Two Weeks

Well, finals are done now. Drinking has begun. Debauchery later.

But I feel that I should share my most glorious accomplishment of the last two weeks with everyone.

Sure, I spent a lot of time studying. Yeah, I took some tests, but who cares about all that, right? None of that will help me achieve immortality.

However, I am on the verge of greatness. Gary Kasparov is quacking in his boots right now. Deep Blue has just exploded. Stephan Hawking is questioning if he should revise his brief history of the universe to include me.

Currently, as we speak, I am in the midst of a 30 game win streak at Free Cell. Yes, I know, it is unbelievable. No mortal man could accomplish this. Sure, every free cell game save one is winnable, but no one wins 30 in a row. This is unprecedented.

There is nothing else to say. I am now Great. (well, at least greater than I already was.)

Ker-Pow

I just did a Google search on "my law review comment sucks" and "my law review article sucks." Amazingly, there were no hits. Thankfully, that should change now. Apparently most law school student egg-heads are not as self-deprecating as me.

"Law review sucks" only brings back 22 hits. I find this interesting. Or maybe it is interesting because of have been working on this fucking article all weekend, and feel like I have done jack shit, other than vomit some poorly cited half truths into a Word document.

And I understand that Rome was not built in a day, and weekend worth of hard work will not a decent law review paper be written (the whole fucking thing is written like that).

Thankfully, it is only the third draft that is due tomorrow. There is still one more to go. Because Christmas Break was made for making up for my semester's worth of slacking.

I am a damn slacker. I am only at 6,000 words (nearly 200 footnotes though, I think I overkilled that a bit). But the reality is, that this sucks. I am almost embarrassed to hand it in to my editor (as soon as I bust out 50 word non-conclusory conclusion).

It comes and goes in waves. One minute I think that this thing could be great, that I want to be published, only to have a minute later the realization that this may be the most horriblest thing ever written (other than that last sentence).

So here goes, the last gasp of a desperate man. Words shall be typed, sentences formed, and out of the ashes a Phoenix of a conclusion shall arise, which will trump the utter shititude of the 24 pages that came before it. And once again, I shall fool the world.

(this is what happens when I do not get enough sleep)

Yeah, So

I was walking around campus today and saw a sign, an interesting sign. It said, "Endowed Chair Event." I thought to myself, "That chair must get more ass than a regular chair."

I then proceeded to succumb myself to a fit of hysterics, and eventually an ambulance came and took me to a better place. At least now the walls won't hurt me.

Sometimes My Arm Acts Independently of My Brain

I voluntarily participated in class today. I know, I know, what the hell was I thinking? Give me a moment to explain.

First, it is a relatively small class, maybe 18 students. With a class that size, everyone has to talk sometime right? The Prof. does randomly call on students, but lately she has been moving to a more democratic method, such that, you can participate if you want. It is not as though class participation is reflected in the grading, but with a small class, sometimes it is best to answer the questions you know, to preempt being called on for the ones you don’t.

Second, the Prof. asked the question twice. There is nothing I hate more than wasting time. Having to ask a question twice equals wasting my time. I also hate when someone says, “To put it another way . . .” when the first way was perfectly clear. To the Prof.’s credit, I think she was just killing time waiting for someone to figure out the answer, but it really was, at least to me, a relatively simple question.

As a corollary to the second, thirdly, no one else was volunteering. I think I have mentioned this before (am I repeating myself? Who cares, only two people read this, and I hope they don’t mind), but I never raise my hand if someone else wants to chime in. Why should I fill the room with my genius if someone else wants to swamp it with idiocy? Yeah, I know, there is something about talking in class that does something. I am not sure what they are all talking about, I never seem to be able to pay attention to psycho-babble. It’s not that I do not want to be wrong in front of a bunch of people, I have been wrong plenty of times, it’s just that I do not care. I cannot stress that enough. Which leads to . . .

Finally, I had trouble connecting to the internet during class. Thus, I was unable to squander my time away reading stuff about nothing (usually Deadspin, ESPN, or Dan Shanoff, all sports related crap). Had I been connected to the internet, I would not have been paying attention anyway. The Prof. was not talking directly about a case, so I should have zoned out, but with Firefox showing me that annoying “Problem loading page,” “Server not found” page. Fuck that page. I see it way, way too much. Of course, I am now numb to that page, so seeing it in class did not send me into a blind rage. Thusly, I was forced to pay attention in class. In my defense, it was not like I learned anything, after all, I was the only person in the class who knew the answer to her question.

Sleep and Syndication

These days, my life seems to revolve around two things. First, as we all know by now, is sleep, my ever elusive mistress. Thankfully, I recently discovered the virtuous Tylenol PM, which fills in nicely when alcohol and I are seeing other people. But, I still like to sleep, and I never get enough. I wonder if that makes me a sleep addict? After all, much of my time is spent plotting when I can start trying to fall asleep, as well as deciphering the latest possible time I can get out of bed. I do not think I have showered before leaving home in at least a month. Hopefully I do not stink that bad. I mean, I usually remember to put on deodorant, but sometimes in a rush to leave, I forget. Sue me.

The second thing that has been dictating my life is, sadly, nothing to do with social activities or school work. When I discovered that Scrubs is on five times a day, my life changed forever. Scrubs is one of those great shows that you watch when you realize it is on, but never know exactly when it is on. Whatever network it was on horribly mismanaged the show. And it's great! It is amazing to me that it lasted long enough to make it to syndication, considering I rarely watched it in primetime, and we all know that the world revolves around me. At least my world anyway.

So now I drop everything from 7 to 8, and again from 11:30 to 1. Five episodes of Scrubs a day. The best part is that I have not seen most of the episodes. It would be nice to be able to watch it from the beginning, so there is that continuity, but I can get over it. I can piece it back together in my head all on my own.

Now they have this interesting thing, where the shows do not wait five years before starting syndication. This explains why I wasted my entire last Sunday watching a House marathon on USA (another good show I never watch). So in addition to five Scrubs a day, I have to worry about random marathons over the weekend (at least I do not do homework on the weekends). Then there is the old stand-bys, The Daily Show and Colbert Report, Smallville, PTI, and I think that is it. But you never know when Yes Dear or King of Queens or Law & Order or Law & Order: SVU or Law & Order: Criminal Intent or Law & Order: Rules of Criminal Procedure might suck me in.

I think, maybe, getting cable was a bad idea.

Ring Ring

I had a phone interview today.

Yeah, I know, I have been talking about job interviews a lot lately, but that is the major deal with my life right now. Just wait a few weeks, when all I talk about is my Comment, and you will wish for the days of the job interview posts.

I love the phone interview, for several reasons (cue the list:)

1. It is much easier to lie--I am not saying that I flat out lie in interviews, but there are situations where you have to stretch the truth. Well, I never stretch the truth, I was tell it as is, which is why I never get call backs. But, in reality, it is easier to pump yourself up to the interviewee when you can read bullet points off a piece of paper and do not have to worry about how your non-verbal communication is being judged. Yes, a good lawyer can look another into the eye and lie (this is not hypocritical, have you heard of negotiation?), and help their client in the process. A lot of negotiation is who has the biggest cajones and who blinks first. There is a reason you start the negotiation at $1.5 mil. when all you really want is $750K. Some call it negotiation, but I call it lying. And when you do not have to look at someone in the eye while doing it, it is much easier.
2. You can wear what you want--Do not get me wrong. I love a good suit. I look forward to the day when I can afford $1,000 for a perfectly tailored suit. But I am no where near that right now. My suit from the Men's Wearhouse is working out well, but I do not siphon off confidence from my suit. I much prefer wearing khakis and a hooded sweatshirt. Which is what I wore during the phone interview. I was completely comfortable, sitting in my comfy chair, wearing my comfy clothes. I wish I could go to all my interviews in a hoodie.
3. You can drink--Not alcohol of course (though you could, if that is your bag). But I am fairly certain that it is bad manners to request a drink during a regular interview, unless the pitcher is right there on the table. When I talk, my mouth dries out faster than the Sahara in June. It is nice to be able to drink without worrying about inconveniencing the interviewer.
4. Unhostile Environment--With the phone interview, you dictate where you sit. You are not in someone's office, or in the CSO's little room off to the side. I could have laid down in bed, sat in the kitchen, or sat on the couch in front of the TV. You can find the most comfortable place for yourself. That in and of itself, is worth ten confidence points.

So I like the phone interviews. And that is about all I have to say.

Holy Shit, A Post About Law School

I was walking down the hall in the Law School building today, and I saw a flyer, that nearly made me bust a gut. The flyer looked something like this:





I could understand why this sign would grace the halls of say, Harvard, Yale, Northwestern, or all those other schools where the bottom 25% has a better chance of breaking $100,000 starting than I do, but this sign should not be at my school.

No one at my school "Aced" the LSAT. If they aced the LSAT and had a 2.0 GPA in undergrad, they still would have gone to a better school. Not that my school is that shitty, but that is the reality. A lot depends on the fucking LSAT.

My LSAT score is not something that I particularly like reflecting on, so when I finished laughing at the stupid flyer, I realized the ignominiousness of the flyer. The bastards are making fun me.

Had I taken the Kaplan course before I took the LSAT, who knows where I would be?

[hint: Law School Dropout]

Second Thoughts

At some point in my life, I decided that I wanted to be a Lawyer. Only time will tell if I was correct, or completely misjudged myself. However, I recently learned things that make me think I made the wrong decision.

I have tried to avoid one thing like it was the plague in my life, and no, it is not a meaningful relationship with another human being. Apparently, when you pass the Bar, you get fingerprinted. This is not good. My whole life I have successfully avoided being fingerprinted, and now it is only a matter of time. Even the time the cop took me downtown, I was able to avoid touching the ink pad.

The printing will occur in two years, meaning that the Statute of Limitations will not have run yet for most of the fun crimes. Not that I ever plan on committing any crimes, but it was nice to have that option available.

Oh well, guess from now on, I will always wear latex gloves. Or at least I can procure one of those devices from Men In Black.

Gay Games? Really?

Apparantly there is something called the Gay Games being held in Chicago. Like you, I at first thought that this would involve contests such as who can deep-throat the longest Italian sausage or who can find the most dimes in the 1970's style shag carpeting with her mouth.

It really is just a festival type thing. I couldn't care less about it. But I was wondering if after the championship softball game, if they play "Big Girls Don't Cry"?

Ok enough of that. I am starting something new for the next couple of weeks. A totally gay idea (as in stupid, moronic). It will be my own Gay Games. This is what I am going to try. Short Posts. A couple of jokes, and I am out. I am not sure if I can do it, but I will give it my best.

Monkeys in a Monkeyhouse

Have you ever gone to the Zoo? Of course, everyone has gone to the Zoo. Have you ever stopped by the monkey house? Of course you have, everyone looks at the monkeys. And I bet that for 95% of you, when you saw them, you thought they were pretty boring. They were just sitting around, eating, shiting, and sleeping. Everyone is disappointed by the monkey house. We were brought up on Curious George, and these monkeys in captivity have gotten lazy.

But have you ever gone to the zoo and stayed in the monkeyhouse for six hours, watching the same pen of monkeys? Pretty much no one ever has. After all, you miss the llamas and zebras and elephants and lions and tigers if you watch one boring animal for the entire day. But you watch them for the whole day, and you get the good with bad. Sure, there is a lot of downtime, but them monkeys like to play too. You watch that long, you are sure to see some tail pulling, feces throwing, chasing, screeching, upside down hanging going on with all the monkeys. And if you are really lucky, you might see a full fledged fight. Not a couple of prepubescent wannabe alpha males tussling, but a full fledged fight. You never know, but if there is a ever a day when you have absolutely nothing to do, and no idea what to do, head down to the zoo, go into the monkey house, and stake out some monkeys for the entire day. But bring a book.

Of course, there is a reason that I am bringing this up now. Yep, you know the reason, Hockey. Game 7 of the Stanley Cup final starts at 8:15 pm Eastern (on Monday June, 17). It is game seven, this one is for all the marbles. This is what sports is all about. Maybe I should have saved the story for something better, but I am using it now. It is not enough to just flip to the game every now and then, you should watch the whole thing (FYI, Intermission is 20 minutes). If you just flip to it, its a bunch of guys skating around, up and down the ice, but if you watch the whole game, you will several unbelievable things. Like this from last nights game:



It is a little hard to see, but the goalie made the save. I was out of my chair screaming when I saw that (Go 'Canes). The goalie, Cam Ward, has made some unbelievable saves in the playoffs, and whoever said you need a lot of scoring for a game to be exciting is a moron (US v. Italy, great game, though it was a tie, only 2 goals, and the US really did not score).

So for the last, hear my plea, watch some hockey. It is on NBC on Monday, and the puck drops at 8:15 pm Eastern. (Note: The ratings are still abysmal, From SI this week, The series telecast switched from OLN to NBC for Game 3 and "Game 3 last Saturday posted a 1.7 overnight rating, among the lowest ever for a prime-time network broadcast . . . .")

54th Post Extravaganza!!! Part Deux

a.k.a. The 55th Post Espectacular!!!

After ranting for several paragraphs about not knowing a thing about women, I concluded with this.

The inspiration for this post happened a few days ago. A girl came to class wearing a white t-shirt. Just a regular normal t-shirt. Unfortunately it was not a V-Neck, but it was a plain old white t-shirt. I have never seen anything hotter in my life. I was half-stocked the entire class. I do not know what it was, maybe it was the fact that she is stacked and the shirt was a little tight and the classroom was a little cold, but I do not think that any of those factors are conclusive. She was not particularly made up that day, I think her hair was in a ponytail, and she might have been wearing flip-flops, but the plain white shirt made my head spin. She may have noticed the drool coming out of my mouth, as in the class we had an hour later she was wearing a sweatshirt, but it could have been because it was a little chilly in the classrooms.

Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. But, I think that may have been what did it for me. She was wearing a T-shirt that probably belonged to a guy. Personally, I cannot think of anything hotter than a girl wearing one of my shirts and nothing else.


I was going to write a list of reasons why law school is like second grade, but I only got through one before I passed out. I should have come back to this, but never did.

Lack of Self-Monitoring--In Second Grade you felt the complete freedom to ask whatever you wanted to, whenever you wanted to. Say you were learning subtraction (2-1=?) and someone would raise his hand and ask, "Teacher, why is the grass green?" Sometimes it seems like that in class. Second-graders can blame short attention spans though.


And Finally, sometimes I write strange things in my notes, so I figured that while I was making outlines, I would post all the funny things in my notes. Turns out most of them are not funny. Regardless, after finishing my second exam, I started freaking out (actually, I just got lazy), so I did not record things from all my notes, but here are the best ones I got.

• What the hell is someone doing with $19,000 worth of jewelry at a Wal-Mart in the Ghetto?
• If tavern owners are supposed to stop serving drunks, why have I been escorted out of bars by cops?
• Do not assume that the most apparent meaning is the correct meaning. Stay Loose (slut).
• 48% of statistics are made up, including this one.
• Three Kinds of Lies in this society: Lies, Damnable Lies, and Statistics.
• To permit the railroad to choose something. Whoops, too much Free Cell.
• It is very nice and concise and has cherries on top.
• Biggest Lies—Checks in the Mail, and the Second on is—“I am from the government and I am here to help you"
• To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
• The court leads off with the negative implication rule. And it starts by saying, That class is over!
• Some dude invented the case method of legal education. Asshole.
• Judge Traynor is a hippie. But a smart hippie.
• Whoa, I have tuned out the last ten minutes or so
• If the facts favor your client hammer on the facts, if the law favors your client hammer on the law. If neither favors your client, hammer on the opposing counsel.
• I don’t know what the hell he said. Stop playing solitaire.
• What the hell what is the point of this? I should have stayed at home and taken a nap.

54th Post Extravaganza!!!

a.k.a. The Shit I Did Not Finish.

Over the course of the time since I started writing my blog, I have written several things that I either never finished, or thought sucked.

So here is the best of the crap that did not make the cut.

Fake Conversation

Sometimes I imagine conversations that could have been, in my head.

Today, I brought the wrong book to one of my classes, and though I still brief my cases, I envisoned this as the conversation that would have ensued had the Prof. called on me:

Prof: So, [Lawschoolrules], how about Long?
Me: I brought the wrong book, but I will give it a shot.
Prof: (incredously) You brought the wrong book?
Me: Yeah, it looks just like the Torts book. Sometimes I am a dumbass.
Prof: Well you got in here didn't you?
Me: We will just have to see if I am here next year.
Prof: I heard you were getting some award though?
Me: They are always trying to give me something. It's a conspiracy to get me to socialize.


This is a portion of an AIM conversation I had with an ex-co-worker several months ago

XCW: what the hell do you have going for you?

me: in two and half years i will be making $100,000

me: that’s about it

XCW: 100,000....and what are you going to spend all that money on?

me: calf implants

[Do not give me the third degree about making $100,000 a year. I know the odds. With my luck, I probably will not even be able to catch a job as a public defender.]

This one is a bit dated, but I am sure you have seen the commercial

If you are like me and watch Oprah religiously, I am sure that you have seen the commercial for Yoplait Light that includes the song Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. There are two reasons that I love this song. One is that because every time I hear it, I think of a hot girl wearing a bikini that barely covers her. Ahhh....behold the power of imagination. The second is that this is one of the few songs that I can play on the piano. I would need the sheet music since I haven't played the piano in quite a few years, but I am sure that today, I could play it well enough that you could recognize it.

However, there are some serious problems with the commercial. It is all a problem of semantics. When someone says, "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" what do you think of? Build the mental picture in your mind. I have got the time, if you have got the wine.

I always pictured some primary color bikini with polka dots. The polka dots are Yellow. The "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" is a bikini of some color that is covered with yellow polka dots. However, the commercial has the bikini as being solid yellow, with red polka dots. If anyone read this blog and I knew how to put in a poll, I would like to know what everyone pictured when they hear "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini."

All I know for sure is that I am now boycotting Yoplait Light until they make the polka dots yellow.

That is enough for now. Part 2 Coming tomorrow.

Goalie Fights

Who needs content, when you can post Goalie Fights!!!

Round 1: Roy v. Vernon:



Round 2: Roy v. Osgood (also a RedWing):



Seriously, watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Especially if you are a Nielson Family. The ratings are abysmal. I cannot guarantee any Goalie Fights, but there is always a chance, and the Sabres are playing the Hurricanes tomorrow night (Wed.), two teams built for the faster NHL.

Come on, just watch. Tonight, there were 8 goals scored in the third period of the Oilers/Ducks game (Oilers, the Eight Seed is up 3-0). So watch some hockey, we all know that Dallas is playing Miami in the NBA Finals, so watch hockey.

Please.