An Odd Finals Week

My first final was Monday. If you look at the post just below this, you will get a good idea of how it went. After failing miserably, I coped the only way I know how, and probably fell asleep around 3 a.m., after making a few offerings to the porcelain god.

Predictably, I woke up the next day feeling like my head had been in a vise all night, as opposed to laying comfortably on bag of feathers. Not feeling like composing an outline, I decide that I should relax, wait for the Advil to kick in and watch some TV. And watch TV I did. Around 7 I had decided to imbibe some liquid motivation, seeing as how I still had 8 bottles in my fridge. I figured better to drink it now, than later. It is all about instant gratification.

I finally shut off the TV around 9 p.m. and got to work on my outline for my Thursday final. I polished off the beer around 11 and switched to coffee. That was about the time that I totally committed myself to finishing my outline before I slept. I forged on, until the sun came up. Around 6 a.m. I was about 3/4ths of the way through my outline, and cashed in my chips for the night (morning).

Granted, I had spent the entire evening drinking coffee, which made sleep very difficult. I laid in bed for two hours, my body too tired to move, but my heart was pumping 120 times a minute as though it was pleading with my liver to purge the caffeine from my body. Eventually my liver acquiesced, metabolized the evil stimulant, and I drifted off.

For 4 hours. Colin Cowherd woke me up at noon, ranting about something that I did not care to hear. He badgered me every four minutes, forcing me out of bed at 1. I completed my outline (49 pages plus 20 pages of statutes if you care), printed it out, and settled into a long night of studying. That is, until the talking heads on ESPN distracted me at 5, followed by The Simpsons and My Wife and Kids. Thankfully, the next syndicated episode of The Simpsons that was to follow My Wife and Kids was preempted, and I was able to begin actually looking at the outline I could barely recall making.

I got through the first page, and realized that I had to sleep. It was 7 o'clock and I was done. I took a moment to examine my options: I could sleep now, wake up extremely early and start my review (it was an open book exam), or I could soldier on start reading now, and pass out when I passed out.

I went with option 2. I climbed into bed, curled up under my covers, and got to reading. I read until 9:30, when I gave up, shut off the lights, and set the alarm for 4:30 a.m. Sadly, I never made it that far.

Apparently, the Undergrad kids at my school finished class on Wednesday. Thursday, Friday and the weekend are all study days. Hmmm...let's see, last day of classes, four study days, what would you do? I know what I would do. I awoke at 1 a.m. to the sounds of everyone and their brother heading home from the bar. The streets were alive with the sounds of drunken jubilation. To make matters worse, my overly-tired mind decided to play a cruel trick on me. I honestly awoke, thinking that I was a large African-American trying to understand a statute that did not exist (I looked it up later, seriously). I am a regular white guy, but earlier that evening on My Wife and Kids there was a highly uninspired plot that involved a large black man, and my cracked-out dreaming mind had some how convinced me that I was this guy, and I was studying for my exam.

I know, this is very weird, I cannot explain it. I am just doing the best I can to convey the message.

I eventually came out of my stupor, and realized that I was me, at 1:30. I figured I could fall back asleep and get up at my regularly scheduled time of 4:30. Two minutes later, the perils of young love reared its ugly head. Right outside my window, a couple decided to have a drunken argument.

I hoped that it would burn itself out relatively quickly, but I had no such luck. After fifteen minutes of hearing a girl say, "But, I Love You!" and the guy respond, "I Don't Care" I gave up, got out of bed and started studying. I never did catch what they were fighting about, but that is OK, I am just going to assume that the guy walked in on the girl having a three-way with a priest and a nun.

So, at 2 a.m., I started my hardcore studying. Four hours of sleep was not conducive to studying, so I began caffeinating myself, again. Apparently, I do not learn. I never like to brag about how much I had to drink, but between 2 a.m. and the end of my exam at 4:30 p.m. I had 8 cups of coffee (with cancer causing Sweet 'n Low), 8 cans of Pepsi, and 2 twenty-ounce Cherry Cokes (those were during the exam). In related news, my teeth really hurt.

I have been exhausted pretty much all day. I have no idea how I made it through. Once I began my exam, all the exhausted ache in my bones faded away, and I was able to focus, and get through it. I would never predict my performance on any exam, but I do not need any liquid self-esteem tonight.

And now that I have this written up, I am going to bed (after The Simpsons).